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  • The Specialist 1994

    ★½ Rewatched 24 Jul, 2014

    Bombs, boobs, boredom and Woods.

  • Victory 1981

    ★★★ Watched 27 Jun, 2014

    I don't like sport. Particularly football. But, I do tend to enjoy sporting films.

    Unfortunately, Escape to Victory made me realise that I find dramatised football as uninteresting as the real thing. So, after a very enjoyable set-up, I found myself completely disengaged from the third act's climactic football match.

    On the plus side, my mind wandered enough that I was able to think of this fantastic joke, that you can share with your friends:

    What do Sylvester Stallone and Michael Caine have in common?
    One's American and one's a merry Caine.

    Eh? Eh?



    Oh great, look, the World Cup's on...

  • D-Tox 2002

    ★★½ Watched 22 Jun, 2014

    Oh, here's one...
    Apparently this snowbound thriller is also known as Eye See You. So, get this...
    Eye See thrills!
    Get it? It's like saying "icy thrills!" Cause the film's a thriller and it's all snowy and stuff. But that's not all. There's even a double meaning, 'cause it's like you're saying you can see the thrills.

    You can even do it like this:
    I See Thrills.
    And it sounds the same!

    They could even put that on the DVD…

  • End of Days 1999

    ★★½ Watched 28 Jun, 2014

    Arnold takes on the devil. An adversary who has proven that he cannot be harmed by bullets or fire.

    Cue: Arnold stocking up on guns and incendiary rounds.

    Well, as the saying goes: "God loves a trier."

  • Judge Dredd 1995

    ★★½ Rewatched 22 Jun, 2014

    "I knew you'd say that."

    "I knew..."

    "...you'd say that."

    "I...

    "...knew..."

    "...you'd..."

    "...say..."

    "...that."

    Look at that phrase. Look at it. Why is it continually coming from the mouth of Judge Dredd? Judge Dredd. Judge, jury and executioner. The most feared and respected lawman of the future. So, why his he speaking like the sassy best friend in a 90s rom-com?

    This film isn't the complete failure that I remembered. I feel there's a decent adaptation in here somewhere,…

  • Rhinestone 1984

    ★★½ Watched 05 Jun, 2014

    A travesty!
    A low point in cinema!
    An offensive to both my eyes and ears!
    Shame on you, Sylvester!
    Damn you, Dolly!


    Aside: Phew! I got away with that. Now no one will ever know that I kind of enjoyed this.
    *sings Drinkenstein*

  • Grudge Match 2013

    ★★★ Watched 03 Jun, 2014

    I've discovered that if you watch enough Stallone films in quick succession (say, 18 and beyond), you begin to develop quite an affection towards him. So, I'm at a point where I'm granting him a certain leniency where I'd probably be more critical of other actors. This means that, although this is a distinctly average film, one that isn't all that exciting or even all that funny, my Stallone crush has given it an extra level of charm that's allowing…

  • Over the Top 1987

    ★★ Rewatched 29 May, 2014

    Now That's What I Call Eighties

    Featuring all your favourite 80s hits:
    - montages
    - Robert Loggia
    - muscles
    - sweat
    - trucks
    - shouting
    - wrestling (arm)
    - ballads (power)
    - oil (baby)
    - oil (motor)
    - daddy issues
    - Brut

    Act now, this album isn't available in stores.

  • Rocky Balboa 2006

    ★★★★½ Rewatched 05 May, 2014

    On paper Rocky Balboa is a film that shouldn't have worked. An older, washed-up Balboa getting back in the ring again seemed like a terrible idea. Rocky was finished and by all accounts so was Stallone. One was last seen fighting in an alley and the other was fighting Spy Kids.

    Seemingly Stallone had squandered the promise afforded to him in the wake of his Cop Land performance. But this is the key to the film's success. Once again Stallone…

  • Rocky V 1990

    ★★ Rewatched 05 May, 2014 2

    Rocky Junior ages about ten years between film IV and V. That would either imply that they thought "continuity be damned" when prepping this film, or that Rocky Senior loved Russia so much he stayed there for a decade. The fact that he still bears the bruises from the Drago fight would suggest it's the former, but I like to believe it's the latter and Ivan Drago really does pack that powerful a punch. Further evidence for this theory is…

  • Rocky IV 1985

    ★½ Rewatched 04 May, 2014 2

    Rocky IV: Original Motion Picture Soundtrack...The Movie.

  • Rocky III 1982

    ★★★ Rewatched 04 May, 2014

    A nice transition from seventies to eighties. Rocky III is a slightly different (i.e. better) film than I remembered.

    While the cheesy moments are cheesier than I'd once thought (Thunderlips), the drama is also a lot more dramatic (Mickey). The characters are also less annoying than my memory would've suggested. Particularly Adrian, which was a pleasant surprise.

    And that beach scene...

    "Ding... Ding."