Bad Boys II 2003

beyond the confines of star ratings, beyond reviewing, possibly even beyond the boundaries of earth itself - this movie doesn't shoot you in the face so much as it opens up a wormhole from which a 2.5 hour blast of fire and profanity engulfs the entirety of humanity. michael shannon as a racist hick, henry rollins as a cop, and an exploding KKK gathering appear in the first 15 minutes. there is a scene of two rats having sex and moments later several dismembered limbs are stuffed in a bucket that oozes blood. this film is 2.5 hours. in this world car crashes, gunplay, violence, jokes, music, clothing, use of light and color, set pieces and filming techniques become infinitely more pornographic than the sex scenes. it is 2.5 hours long.

is it good? is it bad? did i like it? did i hate it? am i alive? as you watch this think about the fact that it exists in a world that created mozart, t.s. eliot, carl sagan. this fact is so astounding that it goes beyond offensive. this movie doesn't offend, it violates you with entertainment. in a way it's disgusting, in another way it's a masterpiece. michael bay gets one star for inflicting this on humanity, and five stars for creating something that takes subtlety, mediocrity, nuance, beauty...and slaughters them in a hail of shattering glass and gunfire. he will not settle for serviceable, he will not rest until his audiences drop like flies, seizing uncontrollably in the aisles of theaters and living rooms across the world.

this is our movie. we made it. we own it. we are all responsible. if you're looking for entertainment - sit down, brace yourself, and shut the fuck up. let the experience engulf you, for though this is no great work of art you will never be the same after it ends. it isn't a story about drugs, it IS drugs. that takes a kind of perverse talent. in a world of half-assed disposable garbage i have no choice but to commend this effort. i have been beaten into submission. this film is the Piss Christ of the new millenium.

19 Comments

  • as you watch this think about the fact that it exists in a world that created mozart, t.s. eliot, carl sagan.

    My gosh, this review, this review is brilliant! One of the finest works of writing and clever pieces of bashing I've read in some time. A job well done.

  • hahaha, thanks a lot Gustav! i'm actually a little shocked i was capable of forming a coherent sentence after seeing this.

  • If this doesn't get 100 likes by sundown, what's the point of Letterboxd?

  • You just won Letterboxd.

  • Seriously though, I think shit just got real. This review not only won you Letterboxd, but also the entire Internet. Congratulations, Sydney!

  • Iaird: if it doesn't entice 100 people into watching this movie, my LIFE is pointless.

    daniel: thank you! I am currently applauding myself.

    jesse: I've got to watch that...recently i decided I want to see a bunch of obscene action movies (universal soldier/day of reckoning, Miami heat, some garbage from use boll, etc). not 100% confident I'll live to review them all.

    gustav: thank you! what am I going to do with a whole internet! I can barely even work twitter! shit DID just get real...I'm still wandering around in a daze.

  • UWE boll***!!!

  • Both CRANKs are awesome, upping the ante on all the Bay-hem, while managing at the same time to stay supremely likable and largely inoffensive throughout. Uwe Boll films are great, but also a lot better with his audio commentary, so make sure to switch over the sound now and then.

  • jesse: awesome! when i had this little idea i realized that most of the movies i was interested in were sequels, but i'll probably work backwards starting with the most insane ones. i mean, as much as i'd love to watch all 82 UNIVERSAL SOLDIERs there are only so many hours in the day.

    dan: your two word review of THE TRANSPORTER got me interested in that too! i'm actually excited about CRANK?? ha. I've got Uwe Boll's RAMPAGE on my netflix queue, and i also want to see ASSAULT ON WALL STREET. i should make a list but i'm afraid at how large it will get. i've been trying to give equal time to classic masterpieces/modern clusterfucks, it's been making life interesting!

  • I am disappointed that the first comment isn't simply "Shit just got real".

    Missed opportunity, Letterboxd. Shame on all of us.

    (though it is a brilliant review)

  • After reading this I think letterboxd should just shut down. No one will write a finer review. I need to up my game now.

  • When I saw Hot Fuzz and they made mention of this movie it took me a moment to remember that Bad Boys II was a real film and not a parody. Beautifully written review, I bow to you and utter a humble "I'm not worthy" in your direction.

  • "it violates you with entertainment"

    Now THAT'S a movie poster blurb!

  • @Dan "Bayhem" should be inducted into the Oxford English Dictionary. Mayhem no longer seems serviceable.

  • @Sydney Have you watched Face/Off yet? I had thought that was the most bat-shit crazy insane action flick ever but I haven't seen BB2. Sounds like the RageCage® has some competition.

  • patrick: i've seen FACE/OFF but it's been years! i really need to rewatch it, i think i would appreciate its craziness more now. everyone needs to see BAD BOYS II at least once, only because it is so totally insane. i actually need to watch it again, i was so awed by the visuals/obscenity of it all that i barely absorbed the actual plot. i couldn't even tell you if i liked it or not because it's just...too much. if you watch it/survive i look forward to hearing your opinion! ha!

  • @Josh LaMont Hot Fuzz is basically a more focused Bad Boys II with better editing.

  • this is it. these are the words my mouth and hands have wanted to say but my brain was to feeble to form them into actual sentences. thank you.

  • This review also applies to Bay's other sequel

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