Bad Boys II 2003

beyond the confines of star ratings, beyond reviewing, possibly even beyond the boundaries of earth itself - this movie doesn't shoot you in the face so much as it opens up a wormhole from which a 2.5 hour blast of fire and profanity engulfs the entirety of humanity. michael shannon as a racist hick, henry rollins as a cop, and an exploding KKK gathering appear in the first 15 minutes. there is a scene of two rats having sex and moments later several dismembered limbs are stuffed in a bucket that oozes blood. this film is 2.5 hours. in this world car crashes, gunplay, violence, jokes, music, clothing, use of light and color, set pieces and filming techniques become infinitely more pornographic than the sex scenes. it is 2.5 hours long.

is it good? is it bad? did i like it? did i hate it? am i alive? as you watch this think about the fact that it exists in a world that created mozart, t.s. eliot, carl sagan. this fact is so astounding that it goes beyond offensive. this movie doesn't offend, it violates you with entertainment. in a way it's disgusting, in another way it's a masterpiece. michael bay gets one star for inflicting this on humanity, and five stars for creating something that takes subtlety, mediocrity, nuance, beauty...and slaughters them in a hail of shattering glass and gunfire. he will not settle for serviceable, he will not rest until his audiences drop like flies, seizing uncontrollably in the aisles of theaters and living rooms across the world.

this is our movie. we made it. we own it. we are all responsible. if you're looking for entertainment - sit down, brace yourself, and shut the fuck up. let the experience engulf you, for though this is no great work of art you will never be the same after it ends. it isn't a story about drugs, it IS drugs. that takes a kind of perverse talent. in a world of half-assed disposable garbage i have no choice but to commend this effort. i have been beaten into submission. this film is the Piss Christ of the new millenium.

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