Nicolas Cage would have made a more convincing Snow White.

This is one of the most boring films I've seen in a very long time. The leads have no personality whatsoever and barely even an arc, the dialogue never gets any better than "We're very much alike, you and I" simplicity.

Save Hemsworth who is passable, and Bob Hoskins, nobody makes you care. Kristen Stewart is in Bella mode, blankly staring and brooding, more or less tagging along than actively clawing her way towards leadership. Charlize Theron is shockingly hammy and stilted, laughable as she screams her threats and writhes on the floor. The dwarves, featuring Ian McShane are piss-poor comic relief at best.

The pacing is the biggest flaw at all, as there is never a shred of momentum, feeling like it is never going to end.

I never saw Season of the Witch or the Robin Hood reboot, but I imagine this is what sitting through both of those were like. This film takes itself very seriously but never feels menacing or like an epic adventure, leaving you only with the occasional look at a watered down wannabe-Tarsem's take on fantasy visuals.

Which is ironic, since we have Mirror Mirror for obvious comparison, a film which doesn't take itself seriously at all but merits more consideration as such by actually investing in each of it's characters, taking actual risks in tone, humor, genre experimentation. I don't want to necessarily start a fight but it's an absolute joke that anyone would consider this version anywhere in the same league quality wise, even despite their obvious differences. I realize Mirror Mirror is divisive but it's clear which one put in an effort, and which one pumped out a wad of generic January-release level garbage, never rising above lower-tier mediocrity in every aspect from score to costuming to creature design. (Speaking of which, Stewart stares at the Forest Troll the same way she does Edward and Jacob. Will there be a "Team" for this beast now?) The action scenes come out of the blue and play like video game cut scenes, and all the unexplained mysticism is senseless and/or inconsistent. As a whole with all it's raining glass and crow morphing it looks like a "dark" 90s music video, and not even as good as a Nine Inch Nails video.. more like... Stabbing Westward, at best.

What's additionally weird is that despite eventually ending up in armor, this Snow White is remarkably less empowered than Lily Collins' portrayal. In Mirror Mirror, Snow truly leads the dwarves and has a verifiable arc of ascension. The prince in that film is affable but ultimately incapable of saving the day, it's all up to Snow, mixing physicality with smarts and mischief. And the dwarves all have legitimate grievances and become empowered along with Snow, with plenty of ingenuity in how they defend themselves. Compare that to here, where they are always second fiddle to a muscular hunk in leather, and aren't even played by dwarves but instead by CGI'd up well known actors? What does that say, exactly?

This isn't even an interesting failure, it's just a slog from start to finish, and the worst film I have seen in 2012. I could not recommend enough that you skip this in the theater, skip it on Netflix, just never think of it ever again.