The Amazing Spider-Man 2012 ★½

Joyless, artless, riskless, toothless, themeless, ugly piece of shit. But the webslinging looks nice.

Peter Parker is an unlikeable asshole, and the Lizard is an inexplicable Hitler with an interior monologue that is among the poorest executed scenes I've ever seen in a film. The action setpieces are bland, the characters are bland AND dumb, when Peter isn't deserving a slap in the face for his behavior he's bland or dumb. Basically, this is Batman Begins mixed with the evil plan of the first X-Men film, without ever properly exploring the motivations, themes or passion that drive any of our key characters.

At the end of the film Spider-Man is coming at you in slow motion,and the most dimpy wisp of a web shoots out at you before it cuts to Marc Webb's credit. It's a nice metaphor for the film as a whole, an impotent wisp of Spider-cum in your face. Enough to leave a stain, but not enough to warrant a towel.

Fuck this movie. Fuck Sony. Fuck the magic pixie dust noise when Gwen Stacy is roped in with his web. Fuck every Edward Cullen expression on Andrew Garfield's mopey face, and fuck all of his other ridiculous facial affectations too. Fuck the futuristic sci fi gadgets as imagined by people visiting from the year 1991. Most of all, fuck the people who decided a Spider-Man movie didn't need to be about anything.

7 Comments

  • Thaank you. Finally someone outright hates it too.

  • I am in the camp that this version of Peter Parker is closer to the modern notion of a nerd/geek in high school than the Sam Raimi's version. Peter Parker simply looks and acts like friends and my brother. Sam Raimi's Peter Parker, and perhaps the comics version, is an archaic characters. If anything, he resembles a devout Mormon.

    I do agree with Film Critic Hulk, though. In that, Peter Parker's character should not be a loner in high school -- he should just be a cool or a normal student.

  • "I am in the camp that this version of Peter Parker is closer to the modern notion of a nerd/geek in high school"

    I am disappointed in todays nerds and geeks then. By the end of the film, Flash Thompson became a better person than Peter Parker. Maybe we have a Revenge of the Jocks film coming.

  • I’ve been working on my questions list. Maybe some of these can get answered by someone. Varying degree of asshole nitpicking ahead:

    Why does Peter have the same glasses prescription as his dad?

    Why does Parker need the cranes? This isn’t an empty street and he can swing side to side like we’d just seen him for 40 minutes, right?

    Why does Parker need Conners to save him? He can stick to the side of buildings!

    If Peter’s been obsessed with his dad his whole life, how come his web research turned up all this stuff – so easily – now?

    Where did all these lizards come from?

    How does Parker have this cellphone reception that far underground?

    Why does Parker bring a camera (not digital, btw) with his name on it when he’s actively looking for the Lizard? This directly leads to the attack on the school. His obvious carelessness could have gotten several people killed.

    How come the various people who explicity have seen Parker’s face, or demonstrations of his powers don’t go to the police or ask questions? Why hasn’t May figured it out with him coming home scratched up every night?

    How do the police know about the tattoo on the guys’ wrist if nobody saw it?

    Where did all this super string come from?

    Why can Peter sense Lizard from across town with his Spider-sense, but not when he’s a wall away, or in the same room with scales growing on his face?

    How come nobody at Oscorp checks IDs of Parker or the real intern, or has proper security in their secret labs?

    What happened to Ratha? Last we see him he’s trapped in his car. Conners went to a lot of trouble to find him and then he’s gone. There’s production stills that suggest there were scenes of his capture abandoned.

    Why is it okay that they abandoned the search for Ben’s Killer?

    Why doesnt Peter tell Gwen about the promise BEFORE the funeral instead of after so she can come all mad, distracted, unfocused, hearthbroken.. if he’s going to explicitly states he’s going to break the promise he made to her dying father anyway?

  • Good review, right there with you, bud.

  • The only question I can even come close to answering is "Where did all this super string come from?" The simple answer: Oscorp makes it and Peter ordered a box of cartridges. Speaking of which, forget how many people have seen Peter's face...as soon as an Oscorp employee realizes that Spiderman is using their "super string", it seems to me that they could easily track a shipment to some random kid's house in Queens to figure out his secret identity.

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