The Amazing Spider-Man 2012 ★½

Joyless, artless, riskless, toothless, themeless, ugly piece of shit. But the webslinging looks nice.

Peter Parker is an unlikeable asshole, and the Lizard is an inexplicable Hitler with an interior monologue that is among the poorest executed scenes I've ever seen in a film. The action setpieces are bland, the characters are bland AND dumb, when Peter isn't deserving a slap in the face for his behavior he's bland or dumb. Basically, this is Batman Begins mixed with the evil plan of the first X-Men film, without ever properly exploring the motivations, themes or passion that drive any of our key characters.

At the end of the film Spider-Man is coming at you in slow motion,and the most dimpy wisp of a web shoots out at you before it cuts to Marc Webb's credit. It's a nice metaphor for the film as a whole, an impotent wisp of Spider-cum in your face. Enough to leave a stain, but not enough to warrant a towel.

Fuck this movie. Fuck Sony. Fuck the magic pixie dust noise when Gwen Stacy is roped in with his web. Fuck every Edward Cullen expression on Andrew Garfield's mopey face, and fuck all of his other ridiculous facial affectations too. Fuck the futuristic sci fi gadgets as imagined by people visiting from the year 1991. Most of all, fuck the people who decided a Spider-Man movie didn't need to be about anything.

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