More than 1100 movies of pure 80's horror.
They're not working for santa anymore...
A young woman discovers that she is the focus of an evil nazi experiment involving selective breeding and summoned elves, an attempt to create a race of supermen. She and two of her friends are trapped in a department store with an elf, and only Dan Haggerty, as the renegade loose-cannon Santa Claus, can save them.
The sisters of anti Christmas are out in the woods in the middle of the night. With the help of the virgin of anti Christmas, some accidental blood and "just the right spot", they bring to life something even more horrifying than their silly dialogue.
This sure was fun to watch, not letting us wait long to get introduced to the evil elf. Or the ninja gremlin, as it's also called. But these what-do-I-do-if-I-don't-want-to-sleep-with-him?-girls didn't have it easy before, especially not our main one. At home she has a grandfather slapping her around, her stone cold bitch of a mother drowning her cat in the toilet and a brother determined to see her naked. At work she has your typical…
The nazis created elves as a supersoldier, the heroines grandfather is also her father and Dan Haggerty smokes constantly. Cheap and tacky horror has dialogue that is beyond stupid and one really lame elf puppet. Might be good with alcohol.
I don't know how to talk about this. All I have is questions. Like why the fuck was homeless Haggerty given 24 hours to solve a case? And how-
You know what, never mind. I'll be here all night if I start asking. This was fucking terrible. But I couldn't stop laughing. Best moment: after Haggerty leaves a library with new knowledge of what may be going on, he gets in his car and backs out. I see that he has a brake light out on the car and I start laughing uncontrollably for about five minutes. That just seemed like the perfect encapsulation of everything in the movie. Or it had finally made my sanity snap in half.
"YOUR GRANDFATHER IS YOUR FATHER AND YOUR GRANDFATHER."
Nobody in this rager acts like a human being. It's like aliens observed Earth for five minutes and decided to make a movie. Girls talk about boys, lingerie, and how their mom is "such a bitch." Professors smoke pipes and wear vests and lecture about the occult Nazi roots of elves in a room lined with books. Dan Haggerty doesn't give a fuck. An elf rod puppet wields a razor blade, caresses a lady-thigh, and barely moves. Just when you think this movie tops itself in absurdity, it hits another insane peak a scene later. Classic.
FUN FACT: The Elves DVD at I Luv Video, burned from my VHS tape, has been stolen five times.
A belly full of "What the fuck!?"
A truly demented movie about a teenage girl who, in the course of a couple of days, has rather a rough time of it. It also includes Dan Haggerty in the role of Santa, and he's one hell of a badass.
It ought to be a bad movie in the vein of Troll, but it simply isn't. Elves is awesome, because it doesn't give a toss, it's lots of fun and takes deranged occultist plots to a whole new level.
This movie is bonkers. The true delight is just in discovering where the plot is going next. The logline -- three girls are trapped in a department store with a killer elf and protector mall Santa -- only ends up being about 20 minutes of the film, even though that's a premise that easily would have sustained an entire flick. A lot of weird plot twists help smooth over the fact that the elf is idiotic-looking and can barely move.
Dan Haggerty is an ex-detective drunken homeless mall Santa who teams up with an anti-Christmas satanist girl to fight off Nazis and their genetically manufactured master race Christmas elf.
Holy fuck dude.
"I want to know the connection between the Elves and the Nazis!"
Well don't we all Detective Santa, and what fun we'll have finding out...
At first this seemed to be a fairly standard supernatural seasonal slasher but then it morphed into a commentary on Christmas consumerism, with knowing nods to 'Dawn of the Dead'.
We then get elements of a low-rent police procedural and family melodrama before it goes full on occult Naziploitation Nativity!
Although the title character gets a bit lost in the mix this has everything you'd want and more from a so-bad-it's-good Christmas Horror. Definitely worth seeing, especially at this time of year, so if you've never seen it then check out the (VHS quality) upload on YouTube.
A Nazi plot to raise up an army of killer elves may seem like an impenetrable idea for a movie but its beauty is all only on paper. It's supposed to be about elves, but after only a few brief scenes, it turns out all the action is boring old guys in dark clothes trying to capture the protagonist. But even those scenes aren't that cool.
Vale...QUE COJONES ACABO DE VER?
I have no idea what the hell happened in the last 15 minutes or so, but I sure do like what they did with the end credits. Way too artistic for this goofy mess.
"Movie"? No, probably not. But - "Christmas joy in videocassette form"? Sure!
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The Gentlemen's Guide to Midnite Cinema is a podcast discussing all films genre related; covering everything from horror to Wuxia,…