Every movie reviewed in our first book, BLEEDING SKULL! A 1980s TRASH-HORROR ODYSSEY (Headpress, 2013). Grab a copy here.
A young woman discovers that she is the focus of an evil nazi experiment involving selective breeding and summoned elves, an attempt to create a race of supermen. She and two of her friends are trapped in a department store with an elf, and only Dan Haggerty, as the renegade loose-cannon Santa Claus, can save them.
The sisters of anti Christmas are out in the woods in the middle of the night. With the help of the virgin of anti Christmas, some accidental blood and "just the right spot", they bring to life something even more horrifying than their silly dialogue.
This sure was fun to watch, not letting us wait long to get introduced to the evil elf. Or the ninja gremlin, as it's also called. But these what-do-I-do-if-I-don't-want-to-sleep-with-him?-girls didn't have it easy before, especially not our main one. At home she has a grandfather slapping her around, her stone cold bitch of a mother drowning her cat in the toilet and a brother determined to see her naked. At work she has your typical…
" I need to know the connection between the elves and the nazis!"
Sample dialogue from Elves.
Ok so I have officially entered the part of my horror marathon where I am just watching random obscure movies that live in the world of YouTube, the kind that nobody is taking down for copyright infringement because there's just nobody around that cares.
On paper this should be nothing less than b movie gold, with its promise of killer elves, nazi conspiracy's and Dan Haggerty (Grizzly Adams himself) playing a down on his luck mall Santa, but it's all a bit too shoddy even for my tastes. The obvious comparison is "Troll 2" but at least they could afford lights for that…
"YOUR GRANDFATHER IS YOUR FATHER AND YOUR GRANDFATHER."
Nobody in this rager acts like a human being. It's like aliens observed Earth for five minutes and decided to make a movie. Girls talk about boys, lingerie, and how their mom is "such a bitch." Professors smoke pipes and wear vests and lecture about the occult Nazi roots of elves in a room lined with books. Dan Haggerty doesn't give a fuck. An elf rod puppet wields a razor blade, caresses a lady-thigh, and barely moves. Just when you think this movie tops itself in absurdity, it hits another insane peak a scene later. Classic.
FUN FACT: The Elves DVD at I Luv Video, burned from my VHS tape, has been stolen five times.
It's not truly the Christmas season until I hear that timeless exchange:
"Is everything alright?"
"No, Willy, Gramps is a Nazi"
The nazis created elves as a supersoldier, the heroines grandfather is also her father and Dan Haggerty smokes constantly. Cheap and tacky horror has dialogue that is beyond stupid and one really lame elf puppet. Might be good with alcohol.
Is this the only Xmas movie where the lead character's mother stuffs her cat in a sack and violently drowns it in a toilet? #HopefullyNot
No no no no no no no no. Wait, Nazis? No no no no no no no.
Elves gets off to a bit of a rough start, but things take a turn for the hilarious when the eye-rollingly awesome connection between the Elves and the Nazis (yep...) is revealed. As if that wasn't enough to get my undivided attention, they top it all off with a little incest. Merry Christmas!
"You've got fuckin' big tits and I'm gonna tell everyone that *I* saw 'em."
"Tell me about the connection between the nazis and the elves."
"The elf has to mate with the virgin to create the master race."
... Real quotes from this fuckin' sad excuse for cinema, ladies and gentlemen.
This review may contain spoilers. I can handle the truth.
He's not your grandfather... He's your father!!
Santa said "Oral."
Starts off as that truly amazing kind of terrible. Ends as that incoherently running around in the woods kind of terrible. Averages out to a moderately entertaining kind of terrible.
A down-on-his-luck department store Santa (Dan "Grizzly Adams" Haggerty) must protect a teenage girl from a demonic Elf - part of a Nazi inbreeding experiment meant to unleash the Master Race on Christmas Eve - in this utterly WTF holiday themed horror trash epic. I swear this movie gave me a traumatic brain injury.
Fucking hell. Watching something like this alone can really force you to reevaluate some things
Christmas horror royalty, pure-blooded, perfect blue, upholding the genre's renown pedigree.
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