I rank all the 2013 films I see in my personal order from best to worst!
G.I. Joe: Retaliation
Framed for crimes against the country, the G.I. Joe team is terminated by Presidential order. This forces the G.I. Joes into not only fighting their mortal enemy Cobra; they are forced to contend with threats from within the government that jeopardize their very existence.
For all its undeniable crappiness I do have a fondness for the original G.I. Joe movie as I warmed to its cheesy charms and Sienna Miller dressed in leather. However, Stephen Sommers’ film was not the runaway success the studio expected and because of this the delayed sequel has seen wholesale changes. With the exception of the odd franchise favourite, most notably Storm Shadow and Snake Eyes, the original cast have been unceremoniously dumped in favour of a new breed of blander Joe.
Although it follows on from the first film, not that anybody can really remember the original’s plot, the GI Joe team are ruthlessly streamlined leaving a core of five Joes against the might of a growing Cobra…
Being a child of the 80s my go-to toy was of course G.I. Joe. Other then the toys, the cartoon was cool and all but it always bothered me that they had laser beams shooting out of every single weapon they had. Machine gun, pistol, tank cannon, it didn't matter. If it shoots, it shoots a laser beam. Even as a kid I thought that was bullshit.
For me I got my G.I. Joe fix from the Marvel Comics published G.I. Joe comic. The series was surprisingly realistic when it came to covert ops and military tactics. It was written by Larry Hama, a former firearms and explosive ordnance expert for the U.S. Army that served in…
A lot of people are saying that this is better than the first, and I have to call a bit of bullshit on that. As inoffensive as this film is, it is also on the opposite spectrum of stupid fun that Rise of Cobra is.
See, as dumb as Rise of Cobra is, it at least knows it, and lends itself to its own nice little campy tone. It runs with the stupid instead of trying to hide it, and I find that infinitely more enjoyable.
Retaliation, while not masquerading as anything more than dumb fun, doesn't have the same campy tone. It takes everything in the film a little too seriously, and thus, when something insanely stupid happens…
The film goes thus:
Kind of funny dialogue.
The Rock's absurd neck (seriously, it's as wide as his head!) and shoulders.
Holy shit that was unexpected.
Cobra Commander actually looks and sounds like Cobra Commander.
Ninjas sword-fighting while abseiling.
Jonathan Pryce being so hammy you could slice him up and make a sandwich.
More of The Rock's absurd neck and shoulders.
Misogynistic jabs by Bruce Willis at the resident action chick.
Surprising emphasis on gunplay and hand to hand combat rather than explosions.
Actually rooting for Cobra so I can see more Jonathan Pryce.
Damn, that trailer spoiled A LOT.
Massive epic climax.
Yeah, it was good.
"They call it water board, but I never get bored"
A few years ago, when I was but a young and naive FilmApe, I longed for the days when B movies existed, and cursed the modern days where all movies are just lumped together as one thing that are all comparable to each other. But, then it occurred to me that I was looking at things all wrong and that a new perspective would help me see things better. It is not like B movies stopped being made, they just got elevated to a status where they are no longer considered B movies. So, I began to look for films that are the modern equivalent of what use to be…
Things G.I. Joe: Retaliation have:
Soldiers, minion soldiers, white ninja, black ninja, yellow ninja, red ninja, minion ninjas, ninjutsu, brawl, martial arts, parkour, free running, fencing, sai, kunai, sword, sword fight, flying sword fights, hiking sword fights, hiking, wall running, wall running sword fight bangee jump, bangee jump sword fight, zip-line, zip-line sword fight, sword fight with firearms, gunkata, gunfight, revolvers, pistols, machine guns, sub-machine guns, heavy machine guns, mounted machine guns, sniper rifles, sniper rifles with guided bullets, grenade launcher, grenade, anti-aircraft weapons, missile launcher, nuke, nuke explosion, exploding firefly, people with cool names like Firefly, Cobra Commander, Roadblock, Storm Shadow and Snake Eyes, Snake and Cobra being enemies, city being destroy, helicopter attack, gunfight with cars, house full…
Sometimes, on a rainy Saturday afternoon, all you want to do is sit on the couch and stare blindly at some mindless action flick that will entertain.
Such was my Saturday with GI JOE: RETALIATION. It gave me what I was looking for. Decent enough action and lots of things blowing up. I couldn't care less about the plot, and there was some "inside GI Joe" things about one character that was a villian is now working with the good guys, but that mattered not to me.
The Rock was his usual testosterone-laden self that held things together well. Channing Tatum shows up, briefly, at the beginning, reprising his role from the first Joe movie. And - SURPRISE - Bruce Willis shows up. Everyone else was forgetabble, replaceable, though I did enjoy Jonathan Pryce's President.
A GREAT way to spend a lazy, rainy Saturday afternoon.
The action is pretty fun but it's all the same old bullshit. Not worth your time.
Cobra, ninja y maletines nucleares
Aunque sin Sommers no hay party la película cumple. Eso sí, sintiéndolo mucho, la aparición de Bruce Willis da un poco de penica
Wow, I did NOT expect to like this as much as I did. What a fun live action version of the beloved comic I grew up with. Snake Eyes's cliff fight had me giggling with joy. And so great to see Ray Stevenson and Walton Goggins cut loose. I wish Captain America 2 had been half as fun as this.
Improves upon the first in some areas, especially the addition of The Rock, but also lost some of the cartooniness and fun, so it ends up a wash. Would have liked more Joes as well.
The first manages to be a decent guilty pleasure due to how corny it was and the pretty awesome action sequences/CGI whereas this film is just focused too much on lame stunts and being all 'macho' and patriotic, which just really bored me. I wasn't a fan of how the cast of the previous film besides Tatum (who doesn't last long) were not in this film. It does seem to have more developed characters/relationships than the first film though but that doesn't mean much. Films like the first G.I Joe and Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles know what they are and that's pure cheese...and they succeed. If you're going to be serious, then you need to have directors/writers whom take their work seriously such as Nolan. Not shit like this. Way too generic...but even then, some of the action scenes such as the mountain sequence with the ninjas were a delight.
Disappointment all around, it felt like there were holes in the story that continued from the first film and Channing Tatum dying in the first 20 mins was a major let down. Honestly, I felt robbed.
It was misleading to think that he would be apart of the rescue of the real president especially when he was part of the events of the first film that led to this story line. I just think it was a bit of a waste. They should of just killed him off at the end of the first film, and start fresh properly with this new team.
Dwayne Johnson did alright in the role for what it was- I mean I have…
Well this has to be the best action movie ever made by a person who directed a Justin Bieber movie. It actually was pretty fun though, I liked the action, I liked the snappy one-liners, and even though the plot was convoluted, it was sort-of interesting. The action did get quite tiresome after awhile though, so it really wasn't the greatest, but it was still pretty good.
Secuencias de acción ridículas, unidas por situaciones absurdas da como resultado esta piñata, donde, al igual que en lo juguetes lo unico rescatable es Storm Shadow.
- The Wolf of Wall Street
- Inside Llewyn Davis
- American Hustle
- Sharky's Machine
- Absence of Malice
- On Golden Pond
- Richard Pryor: Live on the Sunset Strip
I've always been interested in what other people are seeing and watching, and naturally, I love looking at Weekend Box…
- 12 Years a Slave
- Inside Llewyn Davis
- The Wolf of Wall Street
- Upstream Color
- Before Midnight
This is my ongoing ranking of all the films I see released in 2013. I will make a separate top…