G.I. Joe: Retaliation
GI JOE IS NO MORE
Framed for crimes against the country, the G.I. Joe team is terminated by Presidential order. This forces the G.I. Joes into not only fighting their mortal enemy Cobra; they are forced to contend with threats from within the government that jeopardize their very existence.
For all its undeniable crappiness I do have a fondness for the original G.I. Joe movie as I warmed to its cheesy charms and Sienna Miller dressed in leather. However, Stephen Sommers’ film was not the runaway success the studio expected and because of this the delayed sequel has seen wholesale changes. With the exception of the odd franchise favourite, most notably Storm Shadow and Snake Eyes, the original cast have been unceremoniously dumped in favour of a new breed of blander Joe.
Although it follows on from the first film, not that anybody can really remember the original’s plot, the GI Joe team are ruthlessly streamlined leaving a core of five Joes against the might of a growing Cobra…
Being a child of the 80s my go-to toy was of course G.I. Joe. Other then the toys, the cartoon was cool and all but it always bothered me that they had laser beams shooting out of every single weapon they had. Machine gun, pistol, tank cannon, it didn't matter. If it shoots, it shoots a laser beam. Even as a kid I thought that was bullshit.
For me I got my G.I. Joe fix from the Marvel Comics published G.I. Joe comic. The series was surprisingly realistic when it came to covert ops and military tactics. It was written by Larry Hama, a former firearms and explosive ordnance expert for the U.S. Army that served in…
A lot of people are saying that this is better than the first, and I have to call a bit of bullshit on that. As inoffensive as this film is, it is also on the opposite spectrum of stupid fun that Rise of Cobra is.
See, as dumb as Rise of Cobra is, it at least knows it, and lends itself to its own nice little campy tone. It runs with the stupid instead of trying to hide it, and I find that infinitely more enjoyable.
Retaliation, while not masquerading as anything more than dumb fun, doesn't have the same campy tone. It takes everything in the film a little too seriously, and thus, when something insanely stupid happens…
The film goes thus:
Kind of funny dialogue.
The Rock's absurd neck (seriously, it's as wide as his head!) and shoulders.
Holy shit that was unexpected.
Cobra Commander actually looks and sounds like Cobra Commander.
Ninjas sword-fighting while abseiling.
Jonathan Pryce being so hammy you could slice him up and make a sandwich.
More of The Rock's absurd neck and shoulders.
Misogynistic jabs by Bruce Willis at the resident action chick.
Surprising emphasis on gunplay and hand to hand combat rather than explosions.
Actually rooting for Cobra so I can see more Jonathan Pryce.
Damn, that trailer spoiled A LOT.
Massive epic climax.
Yeah, it was good.
"They call it water board, but I never get bored"
A few years ago, when I was but a young and naive FilmApe, I longed for the days when B movies existed, and cursed the modern days where all movies are just lumped together as one thing that are all comparable to each other. But, then it occurred to me that I was looking at things all wrong and that a new perspective would help me see things better. It is not like B movies stopped being made, they just got elevated to a status where they are no longer considered B movies. So, I began to look for films that are the modern equivalent of what use to be…
Things G.I. Joe: Retaliation have:
Soldiers, minion soldiers, white ninja, black ninja, yellow ninja, red ninja, minion ninjas, ninjutsu, brawl, martial arts, parkour, free running, fencing, sai, kunai, sword, sword fight, flying sword fights, hiking sword fights, hiking, wall running, wall running sword fight bangee jump, bangee jump sword fight, zip-line, zip-line sword fight, sword fight with firearms, gunkata, gunfight, revolvers, pistols, machine guns, sub-machine guns, heavy machine guns, mounted machine guns, sniper rifles, sniper rifles with guided bullets, grenade launcher, grenade, anti-aircraft weapons, missile launcher, nuke, nuke explosion, exploding firefly, people with cool names like Firefly, Cobra Commander, Roadblock, Storm Shadow and Snake Eyes, Snake and Cobra being enemies, city being destroy, helicopter attack, gunfight with cars, house full…
Devastatingly poor. Except the ninjas on the mountain. Basically this film gets the 2 & 1/2 stars for that scene only. I'm gutted as after enjoying the nonsense out of the first film, I was looking forward to this and it is shit. Kudos goes to Channing Tatum for jumping ship when he did.
Youtube Ninjas on the mountain, it's all you need to see of this trollop.
Manages the remarkable feat of being confused, incoherent, misogynistic, jingoistic, loud, swollen, and irresponsible, all without being the least bit fun.
I refuse to abide by any film bloodlessly gunning and cutting down hundreds of extras and flattening all of London without even a moment given to reflect on the severity and socio/psychopathy required in rendering these events "entertainment".
The only good thing about this movie? It was only 100 minutes long... This was pretty bad...
I unexpectedly had an absolute blast with this film. Some great action sequences, tonnes of silly self-referential fun and a cast clearly having fun playing toy soldiers trying to end/save the world. A great popcorn film.
Even more ridiculous (and fun) on 3D Blu-ray!
Came for Ray Park, stayed for Byung-Hun Lee. That's all I needed.
It's time for most movies starring The Rock to go away.
Total pants. I really wasn't expecting this to be so lame. I thought G.I. Joes were meant to be cool dudes using super high tech gizmos and hardware.
It's impressive for such a second tier kinda movie to actually be disappointing.