Films that I do not want to watch. Ever.
This Means War
It's SPY Against SPY
Two CIA agents, Tuck and Frank who are also best friends, have been benched because someone's after them. Tuck is divorced with a son whom he's not close to and Frank is a ladies man. Tuck decides to try and find someone so he places his profile on a dating website. Lauren, a woman also looking for a guy sees tuck's profile and goes with him. She later bumps into Frank and he hits on her and she goes out with him. she's intrigued by both of them. When they learn that they're dating the same girl, they agree to let her choose. But both can't help but use their skills to keep tabs on her and each other. And also sabotage each others dates with her.
There's a guy with a pistol and another guy with a pistol and a girl who fucks the one guy but also fucks the other guy and they all fuck and shoot and kiss and fuck and fight.
I have a fundamental issue with McG’s latest film, and not just because it is bad. Two best friends, on discovering that they have been dating the same woman, embark on an escalating battle with each other rather than following the simple maxim, bros before hos (it’s not even if they know if she gives mindblowing blow jobs at this point). So who exactly are we supposed to root for here? The two love blind schmucks or the unbelievably bland love interest who neither have any chemistry with. In fact there is more sexual tension between the BFF’s than with their object of desire. Witherspoon and Pine even meet over trying to rent the same film (the horrible remake of…
Now what's the word I'm looking for?
Piss poor in just about every aspect of film making? Njet.
Waste of talent? Non.
A veneered turd? Nee.
All of the above?
Yeah. That's it.
I think I should just recap the movie for everyone:
There are pretty people that do pretty people things. One pretty person likes another pretty person and that pretty person is liked by another pretty person. They decide to do some pretty person shenanigans in order to win the heart of that pretty person so they can have pretty people sex.
Are you unsure of who was who and who wanted to have sex with each other based on that review? So was I, because I thought the film was going to end with Kirk and Bane fucking each other.
This Means Clichés
This Means Shit
This Means Awful
This Means Tom Hardy Can't Save It
This Means McG Sucks
This Means Implausible
This Means It Fails at Action
This Means It Fails at Comedy
This Means My Wife Picked It
This Means Fuck Her
Fuck it you get the point, the one star Is for Tom Hardy. This Means He Shouldn't Take Roles Like This.
Oh, it was the most humiliating moment ever.
None of them should ever work with McG again. I also don't understand how it could have taken four people to write this script, because other then the directing the script is the biggest problem this film has working against it. I don't want to waste anymore time writing about this film.
Great cast, terrible premise. Any other idea would have been better than pitting two rival C.I.A agents against each other for the love of one girl. Add that they are friends and disregard the bros before hoes code and you have a fabulous McG movie. I get that it was a romcom and that it is okay in that type of genre to get away with using C.I.A tech to check up on the other guy, but it wasn't executed well enough to fully work. Add a glossed over subplot that predictably brings everybody together and you have the third act. Once we find the decision, the writers get lazy and make the ending a happy one, by of course…
There are some films that will be trapped in Hollywood for many years and turn out to be great successes by being different and unique in style such as American Hustle. This film is not one of them. Instead it's one of those films that got trapped in the drafting and redrafting the script because nobody could make it work, for the film only to be released any way regardless of the lack of any single strand of intellect coming from the film.
The plot itself should never have warranted a film alone, as it is based on two secret agents who both go on a date with a girl, only to find out that they are dating the same…
If there’s anything I hate more than a stupid action comedy, it’s an incompetent stupid action comedy. It’s not so bad it’s good. It’s so bad it’s nothing else but bad. At the center of “This Means War,” poor Reese Witherspoon is poised, playing Lauren, a perky single woman who meets two hunks through an online dating service. These two guys both work for the CIA, with their desks facing each other. What a hilarious coincidence, eh?
I could comprehend this story gimmick in a movie involving 16-year-olds. Witherspoon and her co-stars, Chris Pine and Tom Hardy, have an average age of 33.33, and that's how old they look, 33.33-ish. Their agents should be old enough to warn them against…
Tom Hardy is so far above this movie he could nuke it from orbit.
Never thought I would write about this when I started watching it. Admit it I mean. I was in exactly the right frame of mind and chuckled my way through. To be unchurlish I'll state that the laughs were all intentional. Tom Hardy is a great presence and his earnest role actually does match his demeanour quite well. Reese Witherspoon is gorgeous. Doh. There I go with the gender objectification! What an antediluvian ape I am! But it's McG airheadedness. Don't put it on unless that's what you feel like watching and don't flipping pick holes in it for being what it isn't. It rolls through various dates with the other guy spying on them making out. Hardy's funny physicality…
Lauren: Oh, I think I'm going to hell
Trish: Don't worry. If you're going to hell, I'll just come pick you up.
Despite it being pretty predictable, as anticipated, it was actually pretty funny! Don't know what she is complaining about, after all she knowingly does what she does! Naughty!
I was also very happy to see Chelsea Handler playing a man in this! (Not really, but it'll make sense if you watch it.)
I knew coming in to this movie that it was going to to be bad. I think I knew that the only actress that would keep me entertained would be Chelsea Handler (and I was right) she steals the movie with her hilarious lines, while the rest of the movie tanked. I don't think any of these actors actually needed the money desperately enough to make it but they ended up doing it and we are asking WHY? Even the action is dull, boring and falls flat for a McG film, who always tends to make energetic and frenetic paced action scenes; not this time.
The movie is about 2 good buddy spies who fall for the same hot girl…
At first I must say this movie is very awful.The movie tries to combine action with romantic comedy , but it isn't very funny and not romantic, too. So the movie doesn't know where it want to go. The story is bad just bad. I was wondering how anybody can give this film five points but savors are different. Tom Hardy was great like always and Chelsea Handler as Lauren's best friend was sometimes funny, too. But the performances of Reese Witherspoon and Chris Pine just made me angry not to mention Til Schweiger, but he is always bad in any of his movies. What was that by Reese Witherspoon? I mean she was so great in Walk the Line. However Tom Hardy couldn't rescue the movie. In my opinion he was great in movies like Warrior or The Dark Knight Rises. Til Schweiger was not funny, malignant or creepy. At all the whole movie is crap.
- Project X
- Pearl Harbor
- Daddy Day Care
- The Last Airbender
- American Reunion
- Searching for Sugar Man
- The Imposter
- Too Big to Fail
- The Girl
All re-watches are excluded.
- Ruby Sparks
- The Man from Nowhere
- Batman: Year One
- Rosemary's Baby
- Perfect Sense
Try to watch 500 movies in 2013. Begins when the clock hits January 1, 2013 ends when the clock hits…