Synopsis
Protecting America's assets.
When a small-town sheriff witnesses what he believes to be an attempted kidnapping, his effort to save the beautiful damsel in distress sets him down a wild path of comic mishap.
2008 Directed by Charles Robert Carner
When a small-town sheriff witnesses what he believes to be an attempted kidnapping, his effort to save the beautiful damsel in distress sets him down a wild path of comic mishap.
Larry the Cable Guy Ivana Miličević Jenny McCarthy-Wahlberg Yaphet Kotto Peter Stormare Eric Roberts Joe Mantegna Kurt Naebig Richard Bull J. David Moeller Will Clinger Omar Dykes Reno Collier Dan Waller Rick LeFevour Joseph Luis Caballero Sean Bridgers Gerry Bednob Claudia Michelle Wallace Emir Yonzon Gary Tippett Jesse Dabson Jessica Grace Orr Michael Carner Gail Rastorfer Lynnette Gaza Angelina Lyubomirova
Beschützer wider Willen, Loca protección de testigos, Uma Testemunha nada Protegida, Hot Protection, Neplodná obrana, Świadek bezbronny, חוטפים בקושי, Специална защита, Бестолковая защита, Slabo zaščitena priča, 위틀리스 프로텍션, 乌龙保镖, Bodygard proti svojej vôli, Недолугий захист, Uma Testemunha Nada Protegida, Kvailių Apsauga
"Fat, dumb and stupid is no way to go through life, son."
Also, this movie is incredibly racist.
There are a lot of things in this movie that are offensive but the most offensive thing is Jenny McCarthy's wig.
Using bad judgement is sort of what I do when I pick movies. I liked Joe Dirt and I figured it has been a decade since the last time I heard Larry's dreadful carchphrase so why not. Tonight seemed like the perfect night for some bad southern fried comedy. I was wrong on so many levels. Joe Dirt 2 is bad. This is the main event at a monster turd rally. The commercials will scream "Sunday! Sunday! Sunday! Larry will make Joe Dirt 2 look like a masterpiece!" Anyway, this got me to start thinking about an old David Cross bit where he calls Larry the Cable Guy out for being from Michigan.
I lay alone in a Tennessee Airbnb after completing week 5 of the worst period of work I've had in over 2 years. A Freschetta frozen pizza sits lukewarm as I scroll Peacock Premium on a Roku TV. I pick up my phone to find the nearest, tallest bridge. I see the date. September 2nd. My eyes dart back to Peacock. Larry the Cable Guy and Jenny McCarthy stare back at me. I know what I have to do. The bridge can wait. It's officially Sucktember, baby. And death of the soul is more painful than death of the flesh.
Leagues better than Health Inspector, but another example of how poorly Larry the Cable Guy's juvenile brand of southern humor translates from stand-up to film. On top of being painfully unfunny it's also poorly made. Looking more like a made-for-TV movie than something that was released in theaters.
Aside from a blatantly racist verbal assault made on Gerry Bednob and the casual objectification of it's female characters, this is notably less offensive and in better taste than Health Inspector. The comedy isn't any smarter though. The jokes still boil down to a bunch of bodily function and gross out gags, but at least we're not suffering through watching Larry ridicule the handicapped and homosexual.
You can tell the original intention…
I actually don't dislike Larry the Cable Guy as much as most people do. With that said, I enjoyed a couple of jokes in Witless Protection (because I was shit-hammered), but unfortunately- this shitpost of a movie has earned its maligned reputation. It's less like Joe Dirt and more like Joe Dirt 2... If you've seen Joe Dirt 2 you fucking KNOW where I'm going with this.
"Are we ... slowing down? Are they ... getting away?"
Well, it felt faster than Health Inspector did. We got some good laughs from joking about it, but I felt my brain melting while watching this. It's definitely indicative of a different time in filmmaking because I cannot imagine this movie being pitched, produced, and released in theaters in today's climate, and I don't even mean from a cultural perspective. Purely from a "what can we make and profit from" standpoint, which this movie didn't even do because it grossed less than its budget according to Wikipedia, there's no way this would get a greenlight now. I don't even know how that happened back then.
“That’s how I like ‘em; big titted & quick witted!”
Review Notes:
Z-level comedies like this prove there is always a respectable black actor willing to debase himself. This was Yaphet Kotto’s final film role.
Larry farting & blaming Ivana then calling her a “librul” when she points out that he farted predicted political discourse in 2024.
Random things Larry says that I completely don’t understand: Longshanks, Frontbutt, Coco Brown, When Hilary bakes cookies?
I wasn’t paying attention and when I tuned back in I thought Larry was eating a spare rib on a long roll but it was a kielbasa that is neon red for some reason apparently.
I’d rather be watching the Seinfeld episode with Ivana Miličević. She’s in 95% of the movie but Jenny McCarthy is on the poster.
He called a woman “Big ‘un” and I thought he said “bigot” but I should have known Larry won’t mock a bigot.
Stupid for even Larry fare.
Laurence the Cable Technician kills a man with his ass in this film. I want to avenge Yaphet Kotto for being put into this film.
This is one of the worst movies I've ever seen. We watched this so others don't have to. The Nerd Cave doesn't recommend
1 out of 5 Stars
Quelle surprise. This is trash. Abrasive, unfunny trash that's a showcase for a disheartening number of actors who should be better than this.
I must admit to being momentarily amused by whatever the hell Peter Stormare is trying for here. And remaining utterly vexed as to why Jenny McCarthy is on the poster, when it'd be beyond generous to even call her a supporting character.