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  • Panic Button 2011

    ★★½ Watched 10 Apr, 2014

    For the most part, it's a decent low-budget thriller. The ending seriously lets it down, as does the dodgy acting at the very start. But the inbetween stuff is pretty good - note to self: pick a random cgi animal as your next villain when writing a script. In this film's case, it was an alligator (no, really). In mine? I don't know. Maybe a really threatening badger.

  • Noah 2014

    ★★★ Watched 07 Apr, 2014

    Not entirely sure why all the most liked reviews give this four stars as it clearly isn't worthy of four stars. It's disjointed - which is its main problem - but the ambition and bizarre mythology make for an interesting film. Hence three stars.

    Otherwise, it'd probably receive worse. The problem is it's incredibly serious and earnest. Yes, it has to be serious to a point but some scenes are so lame you'll struggle not to laugh. How seriously can…

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  • Upstream Color 2013

    ★★★★ Watched 16 Feb, 2014

    "A re- A Review."
    "Of what?"
    "A film."
    "But why?"
    "Why?"
    "Why?"
    "Because."
    "A film?"
    "A movie."
    "A review."
    "I want to."
    "Want to what?"
    "A review."
    "Upstream."
    "A what?"
    "Colour."
    "Does it?"
    "Does what?"
    "The film."
    "It's hard to say."
    "What?"
    "Upstream Colour."
    "Mesmerising."
    "These are just words."
    "Intriguing."
    "They mean nothing."
    "Why?"
    "What?"
    "Upstream Colour."
    "No idea."
    "Repeat."
    "A viewing."
    "Of what?"
    "Magical."

    Repeat. Ad infinitum. In voiceover. And you have the majority of Upstream Colour. I liked it. But I have next to no idea what the script would have looked like.

  • Swept Away 2002

    Watched 22 Mar, 2014

    Development Meeting transcription:

    "I think we should remake that critically acclaimed Italian film from the early Seventies."

    "I don't know... Times have changed. It might not work."

    "Too late. Already bought the rights. Already started on the plot with the screenwriter too."

    "Any good?"

    "Yeah, it's coming together pretty well. We start on a vintage boat with some rich couples, one of whom is a complete bitch. We've got Madonna attached for that."

    "Madonna."

    "Yeah, well Guy Ritchie's directing..."

    "Guy…