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Cloud Atlas 2012
"What is an ocean, but a multitude of drops?" - Adam Ewing
I think the only sensible way to review this film is by each of it's inter-twining stories. In chronological order, of course:
PHASE ONE
Time and setting: South Pacific Ocean, 1849
Genre: Sea-faring adventure/period drama
Protagonist: Adam Ewing (Jim Sturgess)
Well, I suppose a good place to start is the worst place to start, because things can only get better. Although the events of this section are meant… -
Gangster Squad 2013
Nice gory action with some funny scenes mixed in. The story is a bit too predictable. Good movie, but not great.
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Justin Bieber: Never Say Never 2011
One of the dangers when not paying attention when a student asks if the class can watch a dvd because it's the last period before autumn break is that you occasionally have to sit through a poor film.
But nothing prepared me for this.
That walking hairpiece that sounds like a foghorn produces sounds that cut through your soul. They are inhuman only comprehensible to gullible teens and dogs probably. I have produced farts with more musicality than this screeching…
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300 2006
THIS IS SPARTA!!!!
Well, no, it isn't. Let me try this.
*clears throat* *deep intake of breath*
'THIS IS A 117 MINUTES OF HOMOEROTIC VISUAL FLUFF IN SLOW MOTION WITH CGI SIXPACKS THAT HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH HISTORY WHATSOEVER. THEY WEAR TINY LEATHER PANTS AND CAPES FOR CRYING OUT LOUD!!'
Yup, much better.
And yes, you can 'like' a 2 1/2 star film.
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Transformers: Dark of the Moon 2011
I don't understand this film.
I don't understand why such a simple story needs to be drawn out for sooooooooo long.
I don't understand a word the blonde "actress" is saying.
I don't understand why LaBeouf is shouting at me so much.
I don't understand which robot I'm meant to be cheering for.
I don't understand why this is a Coen Brothers cast member graveyard.
I don't understand what anyone is doing AT ANY POINT DURING THIS FILM.
I DON'T UNDERSTAND.
I DON'T UNDERSTAND. -
Hostel 2005
Dear mr. Roth,
In your feeble attempt at gritty realism in this foray into the torture-porn universe you overlooked a teeny, tiny thing. We do not speak, nor have we ever spoken, German in the Netherlands. Dutch (that is the name of our language) doesn't even sound like German.
Do some research, you stupid git.Yours sincerely,
Me
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Star Wars: Episode I – The Phantom Menace 1999
I will try and explain why I dislike this film so much. It is a bit of a geeky rant, so bear with me.
A Universe of Boredom
The original trilogy gave us a window to one of the most interesting universes ever created. It is a fantasy, filled with amazing aliens and wonderful characters. The Phantom Menace was the film that could expand on this universe. We could have gotten more fantastical worlds, more foundation to the mythos. What… -
The Cabin in the Woods 2011
Seeing as we're not supposed to be spoiler-y on this thing lest we offend the horde, I will use this space mostly to work out my feelings on Joss Whedon.
I'm not a fan. I've seen a lot of Buffy, just a bit of Angel, just a bit of Firefly (apathetic), Serenity (just cause), Dr Horrible (apathetic). I like Alien 4 for Jeunet mostly.
I heard it opined once that theres a couple kinds of male nerds. One is the…
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Chronicle 2012
Quite possibly the most honest, believable, dare I say authentic…? superhero origin story I’ve watched.
It’s not even the “found footage” angle that makes it feel believable. It’s the great dialogue, good acting, and characters you can identify with – characters whose reactions to supernatural events seem the most… natural.
Chronicle is a brave movie. It’s not afraid of taking the road less travelled. There were a couple of moments when I genuinely admired the creators for trying something different…
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Abduction 2011
What do you mean I can't choose zero? This was the worst waste of time I've ever endured, and I studied law for a year.
The only reason I didn't walk out is that I was stuck in the middle of row jammed full of tweens and I was concerned they might lynch me if I blocked their view of that vampire guy for even a microsecond.
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