RSS feed for Harlequin
  • Walking With Dinosaurs

    Walking With Dinosaurs 2013

    Watched 10 Dec, 2015 4

    So... Like... what?
    Is this supposed to be The Land Before Time's retarded CGI cousin? What the hell happened here?!
    Making the dinosaurs "talk" was a very unfortunate decision, oh my god did they fuck up. If only they would have ACTUALLY talked, but instead, we're forced to listen to some very AWFUL narration.
    The dialogue is full nonstop derpy juvenile humour and poop jokes to the point where you can't even enjoy the film. I found myself being lost…

  • Angel

    Angel 2007

    Watched 08 Dec, 2015 2

    I keep forgetting how utterly annoying Romola Garai is, and then I sit down and accidentally watch one of the movies she stumbled her way through...

    I'm surprised by how awful this film is. The story is ridiculous (not necessarily the author's fault, I haven't read the book), the acting is over the top, and film-making is just terrible (I lost track of the number of green-screens present, but trust me when I say, there's a lot of them!).
    The biggest crime though. This film made me hate Michael Fassbender. At least for a short time...

  • Silver Linings Playbook

    Silver Linings Playbook 2012

    ★★ Watched 29 Nov, 2015

    I was drawn by the award nominations and overwhelming reviews.
    Twenty minutes in and I thought I'd accidentally selected the wrong film. It is a slow, disjointed story that ultimately follows a very predictable Hollywood formula.
    I like Lawrence, her character raw and troubled but also poorly formed.
    It was hard to determine weather she was being unlikable and unsympathetic because of some mental illness, or if she was being plain out mean and manipulative just because.
    Cooper always annoys…

  • Byzantium

    Byzantium 2012

    ★★★ Watched 24 Nov, 2015

    Byzantium is a slow and frequently sad film, not at all devoid of charm, mostly because of the good performance by two principal actresses (Gemma Arterton is gorgeous!).
    I found myself enjoying the flashbacks of the earlier lives of the women more than anything.

  • Tomorrowland

    Tomorrowland 2015

    Watched 24 Nov, 2015

    This film has it all: Excessive use of CGI, and an even more convoluted plot line than Jupiter Ascending. Another example of the "valiant young person who initially is unconscious of their special abilities to save the world, but still becomes the hope of the planet's redemption" plot.
    It's pretty obvious that it was made for children, but I highly doubt most kids could follow the plot, it's a shitstorm of flashbacks and incomprehensible jumps.
    Shockingly terrible and just plain boring.

  • The ABCs of Death 2

    The ABCs of Death 2 2014

    ★★★ Watched 23 Nov, 2015

    My first "ABC" film. I liked it a lot more than I thought I would. I'm going to rate every short individually since they're so different, both in quality, but also in style.
    ★ = Bad. ★★ = Acceptable. ★★★ = Average. ★★★★ = Good. ★★★★★ = Great.

    A is for Amateur: An amateur hitman is given a contract to assassinate a drug dealer ★★★★ (great little twist at the end).

    B is for Badger: A wildlife documentary director and…

  • Spectre

    Spectre 2015

    ★★½ Watched 15 Nov, 2015 2

    The absolute need and thirst for gender equality in this film is kinda hilarious. This is James Bond we're talking about.
    Really good intro. Horribly bad Bond theme (Writing's On The Wall), the rest of the soundtrack was pretty good though. Stupidly boring middle part. Biggest waste of Christoph Waltz I have ever seen.

  • The Life and Death of a Porno Gang

    The Life and Death of a Porno Gang 2009

    ½ Watched 11 Nov, 2015

    Recommended by bizarre_eye (Why?!?!?!)

    As far as I'm understood The Life and Death of a Porno Gang (WHY?!?!?!) is supposed to be both disturbing and controversial.
    I'm sorry but homosexual sex is barely of note as far as controversy goes, just watch any or every episode of Spartacus.
    Disturbing? Sure, but not in the way the makers may think.
    The content is mildly disturbing, but the thing that disturbs me the most is the mere existence of the film.
    It…

  • [REC]

    [REC] 2007

    ★★★½ Watched 09 Nov, 2015 4

    Recommended by Fish.

    I FUCKING LOVE THE SHOUTING! I CAN'T GET ENOUGH. GIVE ME MORE OF THAT SHIT. I DIDN'T NEED MY EARDRUMS ANYWAY!
    Guys. It sounds fucking beautiful when someone on a closed staircase, in an apartment building, screams into a discount microphone from Tesco. LOVE IT!

    REC is unoriginal on several levels; essentially a hodgepodge of concepts and techniques that have come before, but it is damned effective because it only steals the best. 28 Days Later is…

  • Manson Family Vacation

    Manson Family Vacation 2015

    ½ Watched 30 Oct, 2015

    Linas Phillips is so fucking annoying, I just want to stab him in the eyeball!

  • It Follows

    It Follows 2014

    ★★★ Watched 24 Oct, 2015 1

    Recommended by Anchy.

    Do these kids have parents?

    Thought process while watching "It Follows":
    -Wow, this seems really good! I totally understand the hype!
    -Yeeeeeah. Nope. That's fucking creepy!
    -Sigh. Wake me up when they're done sexing.
    -These time jumps though.
    -Okay, this is slow.
    -The energy from the first part of the film, can we have that back please?
    -That doesn't make sense.
    -WHY?!
    -The end? ARE YOU FUCKING SERIOUS?!

    The presentation is by far the best aspect, But…

  • Insidious: Chapter 3

    Insidious: Chapter 3 2015

    Watched 24 Oct, 2015 4

    Insidious budget: $1.500.000
    Insidious 2 budget: $5.000.000
    Insidious Chapter 3 budget: $10.000.000

    It seems like the more money we throw after this project, the shittier it gets. Can we stop now?!