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  • Chef

    Chef 2014

    ★★½ Watched 16 Jan, 2016 1

    Surprisingly watchable for a 115-minute Twitter advertisement.

  • The Emperor's New Clothes

    The Emperor's New Clothes 1987

    Watched 14 Jan, 2016 3

    I'm not going to lie, I would not have been able to finish the movie if I didn't have something else to do while watching it, so I dutifully worked on a collage.

    I'm not a fan of the story so that was a strike against this final Cannon Movie Tale before it even started, the fact that it was directed by David Irving (Sleeping Beauty, Rumpelstiltskin) didn't help matters either.

    Hopefully The Emperor's New Clothes didn't affect our CG ratio because it was so not worth it. Sorry, Richard :/

  • Frostbiter: Wrath of the Wendigo

    Frostbiter: Wrath of the Wendigo 1995

    ★★★ Watched 13 Jan, 2016 6

    Frostbiter (aka Wendigo) is a very low budget Tom Chaney (the writer and cinematographer of Mosquito) film, later distributed by Troma, which means it's available to watch on YouTube.

    I wouldn't suggest Frostbiter to just anyone, you have to possess a pretty high tolerance for homemade horror movies with endearing non-actors as amplified caricatures shouting most of their lines, and you'd have to have a love of rubber monsters, stop-motion, claymation, hand-puppet monsters, miniature sets and uneven/hilarious gore.

    I didn't…

  • Gnaw - Food of the Gods: Part 2

    Gnaw - Food of the Gods: Part 2 1989

    ★★★★★ Watched 12 Jan, 2016 14

    Oh how I loved this perfect sequel to The Food of the Gods!! Gnaw was made 13 years later and it's everything a sequel should be--larger in scale with: more victims, more rats, more gore, more villains and more laughs! I loved every single second of it. There was never a dull moment, it had perfect pacing and I wish I could have said the same for The Food of the Gods, but this is just another way in which…

  • The Food of the Gods

    The Food of the Gods 1976

    ★★★ Watched 12 Jan, 2016 15

    It was quite fitting that after finishing the 2015 film, Stung, The Food of the Gods started with gigantic, mutated wasps, eventually focusing on gigantic, mutated rats.

    For such a schlock film, I was mesmerized by the beautiful cinematography, maybe it has something to do with watching so many recent movies that by comparison, watching a movie from the '70s with rich, scratchy depth was nothing short of breathtaking, I was getting lost in every shot that lingered on the…

  • Stung

    Stung 2015

    ★★½ Watched 12 Jan, 2016 10

    I understand that the killers in Stung are wasps but I was secretly hoping for at least ONE song from Wu-Tang Killa Bees.

    Stung was an interesting venture, it's a German production with an American cast (including Lance Henriksen), some of the best CGI I have seen in a while (mixed in with good practical FX), and great European locations (even if it's supposed to be the U.S., you're not fooling me).

    Unfortunately, there was a heavy reliance on a…

  • Barricade

    Barricade 2012

    ½ Watched 11 Jan, 2016

    Michaelbrent Collings must be one hell of a salesman because I can not imagine a world where this script sold itself to a prospective producer or director if they read it on their own.

    Barricade suffered from very unnatural dialogue, has Collings never actually had conversations with other humans--ESPECIALLY human children? Although, surely, Eric McCormack's discomfort around the kids who are supposed to be his in the movie didn't help matters.

    There's a scene shortly after the father (McCormack) and…

  • Pod

    Pod 2015

    ★½ Watched 10 Jan, 2016 17

    I was hoping my pod person would show up and take over watching the rest of this god damn movie for me.

  • Sleeping Beauty

    Sleeping Beauty 1987

    Watched 09 Jan, 2016

    God damn it!! I have one Cannon Movie Tale left to watch and I just realized it's the director who did Rumpelstiltskin and this version of Sleeping Beauty which I HAAAATED. Besides Morgan Fairchild starring as the Queen, the songs were the most awful aspect of the movie (one song completely devoted to split-pants) and there was way more singing than dialogue in this turd! There was an entire conversation about plates at one point and it wasn't long before I realized this was the absolute worst of the Cannon fairy tales, I just hope The Emperor's New Clothes is quick and painless.

  • Joe Dirt 2: Beautiful Loser

    Joe Dirt 2: Beautiful Loser 2015

    ½ Watched 08 Jan, 2016 8

    Listen, I was in the same room while my husband watched this movie (he's a Christopher Walken completist) and I kept telling him not to watch it while I'm in the room but he wouldn't listen to me, despite all of my protests and declarations that I wasn't going to watch it, I kept looking up from what I was doing to sneer at the screen.

    I then told him, "I am not logging this movie on Letterboxd" but then…

  • The Hateful Eight

    The Hateful Eight 2015

    ★★★★ Watched 08 Jan, 2016 13

    This is probably the most significant role for coffee in a Quentin Tarantino film yet.

  • Red Riding Hood

    Red Riding Hood 1989

    ★★ Watched 07 Jan, 2016

    I watched Red Riding Hood around 3:30am on YouTube, so when I saw Craig T. Nelson show up dressed as a king and getting ready to fucking sing, I thought maybe I had fallen asleep on the couch and I was having some bizarre hash fueled fever dream. It didn't help that during one of his songs, there was a lot of vocoder abuse that was VERY out of place in a fairy tale, but then again, so was Craig T. Nelson...I guess I sort of appreciated the surrealness of this Cannon Movie Tale but don't ever ask me to watch it again, please!