Watched Jul 19, 2012
Fuck me shitless, what a waste of 90 minutes.
I'm a creature of routine. After recently watching George Romero's Martin I decided to watch Creepshow... from that... I developed a thing for Horror Anthologies. I just want to get the essentials out the way, then I can go back to my crypt and watch some Hammer Horror films.
Tales From The Dark Side: The Movie. Is the feature film version of the 80's TV series of the same name. But if you needed me to spell that out for you then maybe you should book yourself in for that lobotomy you've been saving up for.
It's a portmanteau, and the stories are all connected by some brattish little shit who's due to be cooked by a modern day witch played by Debbie Harry. Honestly... what the fuck is with Debbie Harry? First I see her in Body Bags, and now this? That lady needed a better agent.
The 1st tale is "Lot 249", based on a story from Sir Arthur Conan Doyle. It stars an extremely young Steve Buscemi, Christian Slater and Julianne Moore... and it's boring as fuck. There are many ways you can make a "Mummy" story tense, interesting and deliciously terrifying. None of them are executed here. A total wet fart.
The 2nd (Cat From Hell), is by far the best. It stars the old fart from National Lampoon's Christmas Vacation and the singer from New York Dolls. The story is from Stephen King, adapted for the screen by George Romero, which is probably why it's the only decent tale of the three. In a nutshell... the old geezer hires an assassin to kill an evil cat. By "cat", I mean an actual member of the feline family. I'm not getting hip and talking bollocks or anything. Anyways... there's a standout scene toward the end which is fantastically gruesome and sickening. Thanking you Tom Savini. Honestly... I'd recommend skipping the first story and only watching this one.
But alas, one scene does not a great movie make.
So... the final story is some kind of weird "cursed love story" thing. It stars James Remar and Rae Dawn Chong. It's yawn-worthy, the creature/ monster is laughable and I won't insult you with writing any more about it.
It all wraps up with the conclusion of the witch and the little kid. I must admit, the payoff is quite satisfying. But then maybe the elation I felt was due to the fact that the film had ended.
Come for the horror anthology. Stay for the pussy eating scene. Then leave immediately after.