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  • Tusk

    Tusk 2014

    ★★½ Watched 24 May, 2016 2

    I think I figured it out. Tusk would have been fantastic if the first hour and twenty minutes had been played completely straight. No lame-ass Canada jokes, no Justin Long mugging like an idiot, no Johnny Depp doing whatever the hell he was doing. Then the walrus fight (which was the only funny thing in the movie) would have been a brilliant punchline to a very long set up. Instead it's Kevin Smith constantly reassuring us that he's just kidding,…

  • We are Twisted Fucking Sister!

    We are Twisted Fucking Sister! 2014

    ★★★★ Watched 06 May, 2016 3

    Not a particularly well made documentary, but quite entertaining and surprisingly spry and breezy at a questionable 2 hours and 14 minutes. 

    But here's the amazing thing about this flick (and its runtime): the movie ends with Twisted Sister getting signed to Atlantic Records. The whole thing is about the seven years they spent building their fan base playing in New York and New Jersey.  

    The other cool thing is that there is a fair amount of footage of the…

  • When Harry Met Sally...

    When Harry Met Sally... 1989

    ★★★★ Rewatched 03 May, 2016

    Billy Crystal without beard: schlubby dork

    Billy Crystal with beard: PANTY-DROPPING SEX MONSTER

  • Bone Tomahawk

    Bone Tomahawk 2015

    ★★★½ Watched 30 Mar, 2016 8

    That third act should have pulled the whole thing together and really done something with the themes that had been set up. But instead it just sinks into silliness so there's no gravity to anything that happens. 

    And that song over the end credits. What the fuck.

  • Pee-wee's Big Holiday

    Pee-wee's Big Holiday 2016

    ★★★★ Watched 19 Mar, 2016 2

    Probably not a 4-star movie, but my almost-4-year-old and I laughed a lot.

  • Armageddon

    Armageddon 1998

    ★½ Rewatched 09 Feb, 2016

    Racist, sexist, jingoistic, and aggressively stupid, Armageddon has no redeeming qualities other than its eerie ushering-in of the anti-intellectualism of George W. Bush's America that we still have to deal with almost 20 years later.

    On second thought, the special effects hold up exceptionally well, so that's a redeeming quality. But Ben Affleck is so, so, so, so bad that he completely negates that very small positive (and then some).

  • Turbo Kid

    Turbo Kid 2015

    ★★★ Watched 03 Feb, 2016

    You know, you could actually make a movie that's an homage to '80s movies without putting Rubik's Cubes and View-Masters and Nintendo peripherals in it to make sure we get it. We get it.

    Honestly, I was a little bored for most of the runtime, but Turbo Kid gets a pass for three reasons:

    1) Michael Ironside rules.
    2) The violence, while kind of out of place, was amusing to me.
    3) I might be madly in love with Apple.

  • The Chickening
  • Rewind This!

    Rewind This! 2013

    ★★★ Watched 19 Jan, 2016

    Minus half a star for that dork's closing remarks about "Be Kind, Rewind" being words to live by, or whatever the fuck he was going on about.

    Plus half a star for Frank Hennenlotter.

  • 52 Pick-Up

    52 Pick-Up 1986

    ★★½ Watched 16 Jan, 2016 2

    Would have benefited from being 30-60 minutes shorter.

    Minus half a star for the dumbest fucking ending of all time.

  • Gayniggers from Outer Space

    Gayniggers from Outer Space 1992

    Watched 10 Jan, 2016 4

    A biting satire that also gives a surprisingly insightful look into what it's like to be a minority within another minority. Director Morten Lindberg deftly handles the nuanced screenplay and successfully overcomes the film's budgetary restraints to create a a very real feeling universe in which the characters are fully fleshed out in only 26 minutes.

    Just kidding, this is a total piece of shit.

  • Traxx

    Traxx 1988

    ★★★ Watched 28 Nov, 2015 4

    what.