RSS feed for Jeff
  • John Wick

    John Wick 2014

    ★★ Watched 12 Jul, 2015

    Part of me wants to praise the makers of John Wick for openly admitting they are stale as fuck with that Marilyn Manson song.

  • Show Off! How To Be Cool at Parties

    Show Off! How To Be Cool at Parties 1986

    Watched 01 Jul, 2015 14

    After watching a few videos about the dangers of heavy metal music and the impending conversion to Satanism of all '80s youth, I decided it was time for a little levity. Cue this "instructional" video starring Malcolm Jamal Warner (of TV's The Cosby Show), that one dildo that made wacky sounds with his mouth but wasn't in Police Academy, and a fistful of other assholes I didn't recognize.

    Turns out this was a much darker and more depressing experience than…

  • Law Enforcement Guide To Satanic Cults

    Law Enforcement Guide To Satanic Cults 1994

    ★★★ Watched 28 Jun, 2015 7

    Kinda boring but enough unintentional hilarity to justify its hour and fifteen minute runtime.

    FYI - Tomorrow, July 1st, is an important date on the Satanic calendar; it's a day of demon revels including blood sacrifices, sex with demons, and, according to this video, sex with large beasts. So, you guys got plans?

  • Kung Fury

    Kung Fury 2015

    ★★ Watched 29 May, 2015 17

    Feeling long at 30 minutes and never actually funny, the biggest offense of Kung Fury is that all the "crazy randomness" feels culled from the other, better crazy-random '80s throwbacks of the last seven years or so. How many wacky Hitlers have we had in the last five years alone? This is the fourth one I can think of off the top of my head. And I was just trying to watch Theodore Rex which has a dinosaur cop or some bullshit.

    Actually, on second thought, the biggest offense is that it all feels completely devoid of heart.

  • Cobain: Montage of Heck

    Cobain: Montage of Heck 2015

    ★★★½ Watched 08 May, 2015 14

    Despite being well-crafted and quite entertaining, I couldn’t shake the niggling thought while watching Montage of Heck of “Why does this exist?” I get that it is supposed to be the definitive portrait of Kurt Cobain, and as such I suppose it succeeds. But even as a moderate Nirvana fan I felt I had heard all of the stories and seen most of footage. Again, a neatly-packaged compendium of material, but pretty well-covered ground already.

    My main takeaway—and something I…

  • X-Men: Days of Future Past

    X-Men: Days of Future Past 2014

    ★★★ Watched 19 Apr, 2015 28

    PROS:

    • Despite the fact it took me three days to wade through it, and other than the fact I fell asleep twice, Day of Future Past wasn't super boring. Except when people were talking.

    • Having Huge Jackman and Mike Fassbender in the same movie effectively turned me gay.

    CONS:

    • The funky wah wah guitar when Wolverine steps out into the funky wah wah 70s. I guess the audience needs to be pummeled with the fact that it's…

  • Corey Haim: Me, Myself and I

    Corey Haim: Me, Myself and I 1989

    Watched 06 Apr, 2015

    Because I did no due diligence, I'm going to assume this was made after Haim got in some sort of legal trouble and was trying to remind producers and young girls he was still viable. Sadly, (literally sadly) Haim comes across as a complete asshole. The majority of the video is made up of B roll of the crew setting up shots, and the actual interviews with Haim do not paint him on the best light. He loves hockey and…

  • Whiplash

    Whiplash 2014

    ★★★½ Watched 24 Feb, 2015 16

    If you don't play traditional grip you'll look like you're a fucking idiot, let's just say it right now. Anyone wants to up their game as far as looking like you know what you're doing, play traditional grip. I don't play traditional grip very well but I do it every now and again if I see somebody in the audience that's going to judge me for not using it, which is something I am always on the look out for.…

  • Blackfish

    Blackfish 2013

    ★★★ Watched 10 Jan, 2015 30

    If you find it shocking that corporations are evil and humans treat animals horribly, then you are a fucking moron.

    Minus half a star for making me watch a whale receive a hand job.

  • Romy and Michele's High School Reunion

    Romy and Michele's High School Reunion 1997

    ★★★ Watched 01 Jan, 2015 24

    This is a movie that exists. I watched it. I think I was mostly entertained.

    Welcome to 2015, friends. The above paragraph will probably be my review for about 90% of the movies I watch this year. Sorry?

  • Unedited Footage of a Bear

    Unedited Footage of a Bear 2014

    Watched 21 Dec, 2014 8

    Too Many Cooks 2: Two Many Cooks.

    These are basically the fake ads Saturday Night Live was making in the early 90s stretched to 11 minutes to make them "edgy." They're not.

  • Chelsea Handler Uganda Be Kidding Me Live

    Chelsea Handler Uganda Be Kidding Me Live 2014

    ★½ Watched 13 Dec, 2014 11

    Totally forgot to log this...



    ...because it's fucking awful.