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  • Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles

    Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2014

    ★½ Watched 09 Mar, 2015

    When I was a kid, I dressed up as Leonardo for Halloween. THREE TIMES. So I take no pleasure in joining the herd and crapping on this movie. Even by typical Ninja Turtles standards, this is incredibly stupid stuff, not helped by also being lifeless and ugly.

    It's not I, Frankenstein-level terrible (aka "The Worst Movie Ever Made At The Moment", but then again, what is?) but Jeremy Thomas is right when he declared it "aggressively mediocre". TMNT was never…

  • Into the Storm

    Into the Storm 2014

    ★★½ Watched 30 Nov, 2014

    It ain't no Twister or The Day After Tomorrow, but for those of us who love our disaster/weather/tornado porn, it meets the minimum requirements. For those who don't dig these kind of flicks, don't bother.

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  • Xanadu

    Xanadu 1980

    Watched 15 Aug, 2013 2

    To rate Xanadu is to not "get" Xanadu. It is 5 stars, it is 0 stars. It is the stars and everything in between the stars. Xanadu is not of this world and thus has little time for your Earthly star ratings or your critical analysis or your good taste. Xanadu is nothing and Xanadu is all.

    I mean, how many movies have as many WTF moments as this? Should be cherished as the ridiculous cultural artifact it is. How…

  • Identity Thief

    Identity Thief 2013

    ½ Watched 07 Mar, 2013 5

    I cannot fully express how much I hated this movie and how painful it was to sit through. It's supposedly a comedy, but none of the jokes are funny. I chuckled once at the very beginning for an Ayn Rand/Fountainhead joke from Jon Favreau and at the very end when Melissa McCarthy is talking to the kids. That's it.

    It's so incompetent, so boring and sooooo looonnnnngggggg, that I considered walking out about three different times. It takes a lot…