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  • Xanadu

    Xanadu 1980

    Watched 15 Aug, 2013 2

    To rate Xanadu is to not "get" Xanadu. It is 5 stars, it is 0 stars. It is the stars and everything in between the stars. Xanadu is not of this world and thus has little time for your Earthly star ratings or your critical analysis or your good taste. Xanadu is nothing and Xanadu is all.

    I mean, how many movies have as many WTF moments as this? Should be cherished as the ridiculous cultural artifact it is. How…

  • Identity Thief

    Identity Thief 2013

    ½ Watched 07 Mar, 2013 5

    I cannot fully express how much I hated this movie and how painful it was to sit through. It's supposedly a comedy, but none of the jokes are funny. I chuckled once at the very beginning for an Ayn Rand/Fountainhead joke from Jon Favreau and at the very end when Melissa McCarthy is talking to the kids. That's it.

    It's so incompetent, so boring and sooooo looonnnnngggggg, that I considered walking out about three different times. It takes a lot…

  • After Earth

    After Earth 2013

    Watched 30 May, 2013 2

    A gigantic, boring, ugly, nonsensical, poorly written, directed and acted piece of shit vanity project.

    Apparently, in the future (a mere 1000 years or so), evolution has turned Earth back over to the dinosaurs and while humanity has mastered lightspeed and deep space homing beacons, we still fight with pointy sticks.

    M. Night Shyamalan literally does almost nothing interesting, although to be fair to him, this is sub-par material from the start. Jaden Smith is asked to do things he…

  • In the Loop

    In the Loop 2009

    ★★★★★ Watched 13 Sep, 2013 3

    Probably the most quotable movie you shouldn't quote in good company. Unless they're awesome.

    God, what a movie.

  • American Hustle

    American Hustle 2013

    ★★ Watched 14 Jan, 2014 2

    You all have been hoodwinked by a plethora of con men, both fictional and real. That's the only explanation I can come up with.

    What a mess.

  • Her

    Her 2013

    ★★★★½ Watched 12 Oct, 2013

    Honestly, I can't even fully process Spike Jonze's latest. I will say, it is astounding that Hollywood studios can release garbage week after week, month after month...and then give the green light to something like Spike Jonze's Her. Kudos to Jonze, Joaquin Phoenix, Scarlett Johansson, Megan Ellison (the fairy godmother of American cinema right now) and yes, even you Warner Bros. I feel bad for all of you who have to wait another 2-3 months to see it. It is most definitely one of the year's best.

  • Captain America: The Winter Soldier

    Captain America: The Winter Soldier 2014

    ★★★★ Watched 09 Apr, 2014

    Boy, I seem to have boxed myself into a corner by being so generous to the Thor movies (both of them). Frankly, I think both Captain America movies blow those out of the water (probably the Iron Man films as well, in hindsight) and honestly are on par more with The Avengers than any of the other MCU installments. Personally, I think I slightly prefer the more art deco, comic book-y style and spirit of The First Avenger and the…

  • The Wolf of Wall Street

    The Wolf of Wall Street 2013

    ★★★★½ Watched 06 Jan, 2014

    3 things I immediately take from THE WOLF OF WALL STREET:

    1.) There is perhaps more movie bang-for-the-buck in this than any other movie I've seen in the last year. There's just so much movie here, it's bursting at the seams.

    2.) The only way WOLF promotes or glorifies Jordan Belfort and what goes on in the film is if you find any or all of it appealing. There is so much drug use, I gagged a bit towards the…

  • Before Midnight

    Before Midnight 2013

    ★★★★★ Watched 03 Dec, 2013 8 that's how that's done. Why did I wait so long to watch this? Perhaps I was secretly afraid it wouldn't measure up to its predecessors? Well, nobody's perfect. Not even Celine or Jesse.

    I could watch these three make movies until the end of time and be happy.

  • Pan's Labyrinth

    Pan's Labyrinth 2006

    ★★★★★ Added

    One of my favorite movies. Great mix of fantasy and horror. Also one of the most beautiful and visually stunning works of the 21st century. A great adult fable.

  • Aftershock

    Aftershock 2012

    ½ Watched 28 Aug, 2013 1

    A Halfhearted Work of Staggering Misanthropy

    Eli Roth Presents...My Worst Nightmare: A Film Produced, Written By and Starring Eli Roth

    The only thing that eclipses the film's insidiousness is its ineptitude. But hey, Eli and some buddies got to party and hang out with some extremely hot women. So I guess there are silver linings even in the darkest of clouds.

    Remember ladies, don't be party girls, sluts, booze hussies or have an abortion. Otherwise, you'll be raped, shot in…

  • Godzilla

    Godzilla 2014

    ★★★½ Watched 19 May, 2014

    Hard to imagine we'll see a more over-casted movie this year (I mean, why even bother casting Juliette Binoche or Sally Hawkins?), except of course where it counts (that would be male lead).

    I didn't think I'd see a worse lead performance for a big monster movie summer tentpole than Charlie Hunnam in Pacific Rim. That didn't even last a year. Simply put, Aaron Taylor-Johnson sucks. Full star comes off for the performance and the decision to cast him and…