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  • V/H/S: Viral

    V/H/S: Viral 2014

    Watched 23 Mar, 2015

    A magical cloak that eats people and penis monsters. Did I get that right?!

    All over the place and horribly acted, this V/H/S falls flat on it's face. Not scary, not interesting, incoherent and at only 74 minutes long - it's too long.

    Low budget, amateur filmmaking nonsense that only serves as a reminder how fucking irritating tracking was on video cassettes.

    Avoid.

  • The Theory of Everything

    The Theory of Everything 2014

    ★★★ Watched 20 Feb, 2015

    Handsomely produced by James Marsh & co. and Felicity Jones is sublime but it felt hollow, like it's simply existing just to tick off the boxes on a 'How To Win An Academy Award' check-list.

    And when handsome Eddie Redmayne goes full Stephen Hawkings, I was still like, "Damn! Eddie is such a ride!" - which either makes me a bit of a pervert or the film completely missed the mark.

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  • Batman & Robin

    Batman & Robin 1997

    Rewatched 05 Jan, 2013 12

    Spectacularly shite.

    So much so that Arnie's daft performance is the only salvageable aspect that can be scraped from this plate of visual diarrhea.

    There's so many wrong things at play here:

    1. Alicia Silverstone handles the english language like she just suffered a severe stroke.
    2. Uma Thurman is about as sexy as Jimmy Saville in a children's hospital ward.
    3. Chris O'Donnell has the charisma of a toilet seat.
    4. George Clooney's leather nipples.
    5. Bat bombs. Bat…

  • Birth

    Birth 2004

    ★★★★★ Watched 25 Jul, 2013 17

    "You're just a little boy, aren't you?"

    Birth is an elegant piece of filmmaking, delicately directed by Jonathan Glazer (Sexy Beast). It touches upon a plethora of themes that include love, loyalty, death, family, and grief but saturated in an atmosphere of supernatural oddness, yet, it's hard to place this under a certain genre. It's a stark piece of individual filmmaking that rarely comes around these days even though it echoes the likes of Kubrick.

    Still, this will split an…