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  • London Has Fallen

    London Has Fallen

    Gerard Butler has not aged well. Especially in HD.

    Two hours of Butler saying 'fuck' a lot, either shooting or stabbing bad guys in the head, and oh, promoting xenophobia.

    The kind of nonsense you'd expect Donald Trump rank as the best film of 2016.

  • Ghosts of Mars

    Ghosts of Mars

    I hate to say it but John Carpenter's Ghosts of Mars is horrifically inept.

    This mess is obviously Carpenter being utterly and creatively spent. It's ponderous, cheap, dull, terribly acted but scripted and edited in such a way that the supposedly straight-forward plot becomes totally incoherent as the very long minutes slowly tick by.

    And don't even get me started on those migraine-inducing 'flashbacks-within-flashbacks-within-flashbacks' moments.

    Ugh.

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  • Batman & Robin

    Batman & Robin

    Spectacularly shite.

    So much so that Arnie's daft performance is the only salvageable aspect that can be scraped from this plate of visual diarrhea.

    There's so many wrong things at play here:

    1. Alicia Silverstone handles the english language like she just suffered a severe stroke.
    2. Uma Thurman is about as sexy as Jimmy Saville in a children's hospital ward.
    3. Chris O'Donnell has the charisma of a toilet seat.
    4. George Clooney's leather nipples.
    5. Bat bombs. Bat…

  • The Day After Tomorrow

    The Day After Tomorrow

    ★★

    It's like 2012 with less imagination, if that was humanly possible. At least 2012 had John Cusack, this had Dennis 'I have the emotional range and face of a teabag' Quaid.

    So its two hour running time is pretty much this:
    1. Dennis Quaid being out-acted by CGI ice.
    2. Dennis Quaid being out-acted by CGI tornadoes.
    3. Dennis Quaid being out-acted by a CGI tidal wave.
    4. Jake Gyllenhaal opening his eyes WIDELY. A lot
    5. Dennis Quaid being…