I've resisted reviewing this stupefyingly tedious micro-budget fantasy-horror until now for a number of reasons. Mainly, I didn't watch it all. I received a free a screener for review back in June, and with the film's release earlier this month (4th August, I believe), it seems about right that I should warn everyone now just how bad Dark Moon Rising is.
I tried. I stuck it out for a good 60 minutes, but I simply couldn't will myself to watch…
Before starting Albert Pyun's comedy about a night club bouncer protecting a stripper/model from a group of Shaolin monks (NOT NINJAS) after an amulet thing she smuggled into the country for her sister, I had no idea it was meant to be a kids film. Like, I guessed that it would be aimed at a..... not particularly adult audience. But from the description on Netflix, I assumed it was just another Pyun action comedy. It was so dumb. So, so dumb. Occasionally amusing but mostly as lame as you'd expect a PG-13 film like this to be.
Wow what a revelation. Apparently black people can be racist of white people, white people can be racist of black people, black people can be racist of black people, black people can be racist of hispanic people, white people can be racist of middle-eastern people, middle eastern people can be racist of hispanic people, hispanic people are nice, white people can't be racist of white people.
Those same black people can be nice to white people, those white people…
I kind of thought it would be a mindless action film where Sly goes around killing the bad guys in the jungle with his machine gun and that's about it. Like Predator, I guess, just without the Predator.
I was wrong. It's excellent. I found it very entertaining, and also quite sad. Sure, Rambo is this bad-ass, super elite soldier who can kill a man practically by looking at him with his wonky face, but I never realised there was…