Battleship 2012

This review reportedly contains spoilers.
I can handle the truth.

This review reportedly contains spoilers.

Battleship raises interesting questions, but not the good ones. Questions like: how the heck can a bunch of alien spaceships that came all the way from the other galaxy can be so stupid as to miss an orbiting satelite, resulting in *spoiler* one of them hits the satelite while entering earth’s orbit and send it crashing and burning into Hong Kong? Or, why the aliens bother sending a few of those destructive ball machines to destroy the highways and military helicopters when they don’t follow that up with anything, or do they even need any reason to do that as they’re shielded inside the dome? Why an alien civilization so advanced that they can send ships to our planet and yet have to rely on our satelites to, ‘phone home’, as the movie puts it. Or, why do those super advanced spaceships that can stay underwater and fly at the same time, decide to ‘hop’ around the water like a freakin’ water dancer and play hide and seek with the US Navy. Oh wait, I have an answer to that: so that the good guys can bring up their tsunami bouy warning system that is coveniently set up as a grid form, complete with alphabets and numbers for the captains to bark coordinates and bomb the crap out of these seemingly powerful, technologically advanced yet incompetent alien ships. I wished Peter Berg had shown me that the alien ships also use similar same grid system to try to sink the destroyer ship, then at least he doesn’t have to pretend that there’s actually a compelling story to build around an equally mundane game.

If you’ve seen John Carter recently and thought Taylor Kitsch can’t act, wait till you see this one. While I enjoyed watching him in John Carter and thought he did a decent job, his performance in this movie is just appalling, as with the rest of the cast. With the exception of Liam Neeson (who else has he not played?), Battleship has a serious miscast issue, and the problem is made worse by hiring actual marines to play characters with sizable screen times.

In a lot of ways, Battleship tries very hard to look and feel like a Michael Bay movie, complete with the 360 degree camera spin, and a similarly hollow, good looks female lead played by Brooklyn Decker. I almost expected to see her character move in slow motion as she runs away from the jeep in one the scene of the movie.

In the end, Battleship feels like a warmed over Transformers from last night, except that it’s got even more wooden cast and incoherent storyline, if there ever was one. Not even Liam Neeson’s brief presence is able to save it from sinking to a new low (see what I did there?). Perhaps its only saving grace is in the delivery of individual action scenes and set pieces, all were done perfectly, the CGI top notch but the sum truly does not make up the parts in this case. If the ships in this movie have as many plot holes as the movie itself, it will do just fine sinking without any intervention from the alien forces.

One last note: IMDB Trivia page notes that Rosie Huntington Whitely auditioned for the role of Sam. Really? Hasn’t she tormented us enough in Transformers 2? Then again, the Sam role seems like it’s written exactly for her. Replace Taylor Kitsch with Shia LeBouf and you’ll get yourself a Transformers movie at sea.