I know it probably sounds mean-spirited of me because I'm quite sure the makers of Woman On Top didn't make this film with the sole purpose of pissing me off, but I'm delighted that this film has more or less sunk without trace in the last decade or so.

Penelope Cruz plays a Brazilian chef who suffers from motion sickness and because of this, she has to do all the driving and, get this, has to be on top all the time when she has sex. Apparently her husband doesn't like this so he cheats on her, leading her to move to San Francisco where she moves in with a friendly cross-dresser. Shortly afterwards she makes an offering to the goddess of the sea asking that she no longer falls in love and that the fish near her husband's restaurant no longer allow themselves to be caught so that he goes out of business. He then follows her to San Francisco to get her back and finds her hosting a TV cookery show and vows to show humility and understanding for her plight.

Admit it, you're falling over yourselves to haul arse down to Blockbuster Video to rent this now, aren't you? Because what part of that synopsis doesn't just scream out to you that you are missing out on a classic of Bergman-like proportions?

In all seriousness, this really was total, total shit. I was dragged to see this by my two best friends, Becky and Lucy (and I will name them because they deserve it for making me see this and yes I'm still holding a grudge about it over a decade on, want to make something of it?!), and I'm amazed that I emerged from the cinema alive. More importantly, I'm amazed that they did.

In fairness to them, they hated it, too. After all, this is a film in which a guy is objecting to the fact that Penelope Cruz has to take control during sex. That's Penelope Cruz, by the way, one of the most strikingly beautiful actresses in the world. Listen, fucko, she's Penelope Cruz. You do what she asks. If she wants to play the fucking ukulele during a boffing, YOU LET HER.

Don't watch this film.