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  • House 1977

    ★★★½ Watched 27 Aug, 2014 2

    SPOILERS

    OK. Which of you fuckers spiked my corn flakes?

    Well, clearly reviewing this 'properly' is a task that I envy no-one for. I for one am not even going to attempt it. Instead, I'm going to list a few ways in which this film is weird:-

    1) The cat.

    2) The watermelons.

    3) The music that sounds like a radio being tuned.

    4) The fact one of them is called Fantasy.

    5) The fact one of them is called…

  • Thunderball 1965

    ★★½ Rewatched 26 Aug, 2014 9

    I tried to watch this for the last six nights but kept falling asleep as I was watching it at bedtime.

    I don't know if that was because of tiredness though, or because it's just one of the dullest Bonds of all time. Relatively unthreatening villain, nothing plot, piss poor theme tune and endless boring underwater bits. The bit in the health spa was pretty good but why did I persevere with trying to watch this? Because it's not as if I've not been bored by it about a dozen times in the past.

  • Thief 1981

    ★★★½ Watched 25 Aug, 2014 4

    My youngest brother walked in whilst I was watching this and asked, "What the hell are you watching? Porn?"

    Unfortunately, that's not quite the end of my beef with Mann here. Thief is quite possibly the most clinical film I've ever seen. There are absolutely no rough edges on it. When something needs to be done, it gets done. When you know something is going to happen, it happens. And then it ends, in pretty much the way you expect.…

  • Eyes Wide Shut 1999

    ★★★★½ Watched 23 Aug, 2014 7

    "You filthy old soomka!" - Steve G Does Kubrick

    Eyes Wide Shit, more like.

    Of course it isn't, it was just me being a silly. I am a bit stuck with Eyes Wide Shut though when it comes to reviewing it. Some films just stump me, and it's usually the really good ones that I find it hard to get going with.

    I think perhaps the reason I'm struggling with Eyes Wide Shut is because I can't think of many…

  • Aftershock 2012

    Watched 22 Aug, 2014 4

    Aftercock, more like.

  • The Purge 2013

    Watched 22 Aug, 2014 4

    The Dirge, more like.

  • V/H/S/2 2013

    ★★½ Watched 21 Aug, 2014 4

    I found the original to be one part great, three parts alright, and two parts terrible. Having heard from most quarters that the sequel was supposed to be an improvement, I discovered....well, that I didn't think that it was.

    First part - Phase I Clinical Trials

    Not a great start. In fact, a crap start. Terribly acted with an absolute tosspot in the lead role, a couple of jump scares that didn't even make me jump and absolutely no explanation…

  • Helen 2008

    ½ Rewatched 20 Aug, 2014 11

    Hells bells.

    There are some films you watch that happen to be absolutely terrible and you almost take an enormous amount of satisfaction in giving them the mauling they deserve. Usually huge budget nonsense or pathetic vanity projects or overly earnest drivel that thinks it has some kind of profound message behind it.

    Then there are some films that you feel bad about giving a kicking to. Helen is one such film. You see, this was the first feature length…

  • WWE SummerSlam 2014 2014

    ★★★★ Watched 20 Aug, 2014 6

    More Germans than the Bayern Munich squad.

  • Ladies and Gentlemen, My Name Is Paul Heyman 2014

    ★★★★ Watched 17 Aug, 2014

    Ladies and gentlemen, my name is Steve Grzesiak, and I am the advocate for this documentary having added it to the database myself. Thank you.

    The nature of the internet means that there's very little in wrestling documentaries or wrestling shoot interviews that's a surprise any more. There are a million wrestling news websites out there (don't read them, they're full of spyware) with sources and cameras poked into every orifice of the business to ensure that almost nothing happens…

  • Bug 2006

    ★★★★½ Watched 16 Aug, 2014 3

    Fucking hell!

    Those who have seen Bug will know damn well why I start this review with that exclamation. After all, where the hell did they get that much tinfoil from?!

    I jest of course, it's because Bug is mad. When I say that I don't mean in the usual way you might describe something as such, but because the content is mad. Portraying paranoid delusion and escalating psychosis is something that cinema has often struggled to do convincingly and…

  • Scenic Route 2013

    ★★ Watched 16 Aug, 2014 2

    ONE MAJOR SPOILER

    I don't know whether the ending to Scenic Route was completely fucking awful or whether the film deserves some credit for trying to do something different with its completely fucking awful ending.

    Quite rightly, anything that has ever done the 'it was all a dream / hallucination' ending deserves to be rightly set on fire, have its ashes stuffed up the arse of a diarrhoea riddled camel, and for that camel to be blasted into space and…