SyFy's director of original programming stalks into the board room, jaw clenched with rage. The creative team winces as one as he slams a weathered VHS tape of Ticks down on the conference table. "This!" he snarls. "This is how you goddamned well do it!" The director turns on his heel and storms out.

After several long, awkward moments, a junior writer breaks the silence. "So, um, does anybody here still have a VCR?"

I like Kris Kristofferson. Who doesn't like Kris Kristofferson? But I don't like Kris Kristofferson as much as this movie assumes I like Kris Kristofferson. No one likes Kris Kristofferson as much as this movie assumes we like Kris Kristofferson.

Snake-oil salesman John Carradine teams up with a biker gang to bust up Bigfoot's backwoods sex slave operation. For real. That is what happens in this movie.

"Has anyone mashed up clips from this classic of the 'melting vagrant' genre with Modern English's 'Melt With You'?" I wondered. Ten seconds later, I was watching exactly that. Internet, you seldom disappoint.