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  • Private Resort

    Private Resort 1985

    ★½ Watched 24 May, 2016

    Look at Johnny Depp's face. What is that expression? Is that seething hate? It looks like hate. It can't be for me, it's 1985, I'm in grade six. The cameraman? Ted? No, Ted's a peach. Wait. Is it himself? Yes, it might be himself - at least according to the imdb, he's so embarrassed by this movie he'd like to destroy every copy. Nothing to take lightly from the man who stars in that Alice sequel movie this weekend.

    It…

  • Ninja Assassin

    Ninja Assassin 2009

    ★★★ Rewatched 23 May, 2016

    This makes a hell of a first impression, at first dismissing the (then dormant) ninja genre as kids' stuff and then slashing it all apart in a frenzied display of gore - with some obvious CGI assists, but they're certainly splashing a lot of the red stuff around.

    Between all that blood, storms of shirukens, and its star whipping around that blade on a chain that was definitely the most fun weapon in Ninja Gaiden II, I found myself cackling…

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  • Mad Max: Fury Road

    Mad Max: Fury Road 2015

    ★★★★½ Watched 16 May, 2015 2

    George Miller had been talking about this - or at least, had been persistently asked about it in interviews - for like twenty years now, and I don't know what's different about now that he finally got around to making it but I'm glad he did. The response on this has been gobsmacking, though I was willing to chalk a fair bit of it up to Peak Gen-X Nostalgia, and it coming at a good time to be heralded as…

  • The Human Centipede 3 (Final Sequence)

    The Human Centipede 3 (Final Sequence) 2015

    Watched 25 Jan, 2016

    Tom Six, like a lot of people whose art is childishly offensive and basically stupid, considers himself a warrior for free speech. (o, how hard he fights. On Twitter.) He dresses like the French guy in Raiders Of The Lost Ark and has so far shown the world exactly one idea, which he's flogged out for three movies now. I am caught between befuddlement and admiration.

    This third gulp at the can dispenses with the dropout-Cronenberg medical horror of the…