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  • Black Knight

    Black Knight 2001

    ★★ Watched 28 Aug, 2016

    This review may contain spoilers. I can handle the truth.

    The ending of this movie is so wild! Martin Lawrence is sent back in time and he saves the day and hilarity ensues, blah blah blah. And then he's sent back to modern day where he vows to turn his life around and he gets the girl and it's all happy blah blah blah.

    AND THEN in the last 30 seconds or so, he's accidentally sent back in time again and eaten by lions. ROLL CREDITS.

    WHAT!?

  • Don't Breathe

    Don't Breathe 2016

    ★★ Watched 28 Aug, 2016 2

    This review may contain spoilers. I can handle the truth.

    Why the fuck doesn't the blind man take Rocky's sister at the end of the movie? Why set up the absurd twist that all he wants is a baby AND THEN set up the absurd stinger that he lived through the attack and then NOT have him show up to steal the girl? It was set up the whole movie for that to happen and then doesn't somehow, resulting in a happy ending for a person we shouldn't be cheering…

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  • Cabin Fever

    Cabin Fever 2016

    ½ Watched 13 Feb, 2016 10

    "Hi, Eli Roth. We're gonna remake Cabin Fever. Got any ideas for it?"
    "Just fuck my shit up, fam."
    "Say no more."

  • Halloween

    Halloween 1978

    ★★★★★ Watched 01 Sep, 2013 13

    It's Sept. 1, dudes! That means Halloween season in effect!!

    This movie is endlessly scary. You want proof? There's a scene where Michael is standing on a suburban street, half obscured by shrubs in broad daylight and it's about the scariest fucking thing you'll ever see in your life. If your monster can be scary just loitering around the neighborhood during the day, then you're a damn good director.

    It has always bothered me that Loomis shows up at the…