D+

"I can still see him."

2012's favorite Creepypasta has somehow received its own film adaptation and man, oh man is it distastefully undercooked, yet legitimately disappointing within the full stack of raw potential for the internet's most pervasive digital folklore. Slender Man's various attempts to mine maximized horror mythologies from spooky viral videos are nothing more than terrible, offering nothing by showing too much of a walking nightmare, a mysterious trigger who remains terrifying because of what you don't…

B

"That was so intense, I like can’t even with this place."

Some of the best things to come from 2017:

-The Rock annihilating people (and the audience) with his smoldering intensity.

-Jack Black complaining about being an overweight middle-aged man who has no access to "her" phone until a hippo performs a sneak attack on "her" which later leads to having a crush on Nick Jonas, as every line from "her" throughout the film is hilarious.

-Karen Gillan dancing…

A+

"Let the past die. Kill it if you have to. That’s the only way to become what you were meant to be."

All this poetic pain within flaming failure, absorbingly consequential rarities apart from a sweeping balance, and realized integrity confronting change... The past is literally left to die. Upon a mysterious, roaming fascination of bewildering sources for the greater good of the galaxy, newly personal revelations allowing the world to highlight hopeful defeat, and a frightful future intensely…