Like critics said, the part where the theater owner sidled up behind me, pressed a 9mm pistol to the back of my head, and sprayed a fine red-gray mist of my flash-boiled skull contents all over the silver screen was a “Bold Choice.”

Seriously though the CATS movie offered me a once-in-lifetime opportunity to know *exactly* what a cat-owner thinks about while jacking off.

After decades of knowing no more about CATS than “it’s a Broadway musical,” I now know…