Sometimes, all I want is to feel all 10 of Jamie Lee Curtis' wobbling hotdog fingers on my face. All together, at once.
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Xtro 1982
| The short version: Daddy issues, crabwalking, domestic dread, patriarchy partially passed on by means of pustular hickey, a concerningly literal interpretation of cocooning, a panther, a hefty dose of surrealism and body horror. YES! *caresses Xtro t-shirt*
Where did the blood come from?
-I don't know.
From you?
-I don't know. Daddy sent it. It felt sticky.| The slightly less short version: Xtro is often quickly disposed of a just another Alien knock off. Granted, there are some…
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A Lizard in a Woman's Skin 1971
| The short version: Contrary to what the title and cover might suggest, this isn't a Lady Lizard creature feature but a labia loving trippy Fulci Flower Powerhouse gyrating giallo that had its Jazz hands in places no one wants to smell. This flick has a labia hungry lady gayze, lubed with a layer of sleaze richer than butter sauce on frie(n)d butter. That’s not even mentioning the knife throwing hippy painters, supersonic OCD whistling detective, distinctly drafty dames and…
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Vampire Hookers 1978
| This movie teaches us: Nothing like some paintings of a goat getting freaky with a lady to set the mood in the bedroom crypt.
| The only version: This extremely long-winded hair conditioner advertisement might be the laziest attempt at hypnotizing audiences into thinking they saw erotica (when in truth it's much more probable they blacked out due to stimuli starvation).
I've heard of taking it slow, but the sex scenes in this (well mostly just shoulders and satin…
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Bloody Muscle Body Builder in Hell 1995
| The short version: Bloody Muscle Body Builder in Hell; A gory story about thirsty jewelry, hacking up an array of acrobatics in low-fi sinister Surrealism. This passion project is barely held together by a mixture of profoundly awkward product placement, Dad Milk (what else would you call a dad that turns into milk?), unsavory amounts of hair gel, discomforting deepthroat action, PS1 demo menu music, collages of calamity, Vulcan nerve pinch misuse, more black goo than the Alien prequels,…
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Alien³ 1992
| The short version: An electrical fire causes the Sulaco to send her crew on a one way trip to brown town. The crew gets cut up, every YY chromo-bro gets chewed up and Ripley gets a crew cut.
| The slightly less short version: I never had a problem with Alien 3. In fact I saw it before seeing the original and Aliens (Not by choice, but because my parents prohibited horror movies, beggars can't be choosers).
It's been…
