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  • Mother!

    Mother!

    ★★★★½

    So here I am, right? And I'm thinking I'm being real fuckin' novel with my conclusion that not only is this movie allegorical as fuck, but it's also a pretty damn good remake of the 1990 film MADHOUSE, starring Kirstie Alley and John Larroquette.

    Then I find out that half the fuckin' Internet has already done that MADHOUSE bit since the fuckin' trailer. Well, excuse me for trying to steer clear of the Internet, now that for every cute cat…

  • 52 Pick-Up

    52 Pick-Up

    ★★★½

    If I ever meet John Glover, I'm gonna smack the shit out of him. I don't care that he's just an actor who was playing a part, he was too fucking good here as a piece of shit and so he's getting his shit smacked the fuck out.

    If I ever meet Clarence Williams III, I'm going to very carefully back away from him while telling him how scary he was in this, then I'm going to turn around and…

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  • Eastern Promises

    Eastern Promises

    ★★★★

    In the past few years, people have been coming down on my man The Crones by accusing him of "selling out", simply because there's no chest vaginas or people getting off on horrific shit in a sex-type way. These motherfuckers are just too scared when a motherfucker zigs rather than zags, which is what my boy has been doing with his most recent joints. They don't notice that he's still making serious adult films for fuckin' serious adults. Also, I…

  • Spider

    Spider

    ★★★★½

    So you've seen A Beautiful Mind and came out of it feeling good -- well, here comes David Cronenberg to pimp slap you dead in the fuckin' face and say "Uh-uh, bitch. Doesn't work that way."

    Goddamn. This movie is languid like a muthafucka, and yet I'm feeling all tensed up like I was watching Speed or something. Probably because you're watching Ralph Fiennes give quite possibly his best performance EVAAAAR as one of these schizo dudes, muttering to himself…