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  • Arsenal

    Arsenal

    ★½

    Nicolas Cage is visually reprising his immortal role as Eddie in DEADFALL but the actual character is not really the same dude.

    Eddie from DEADFALL is pure uncut co-fuckin-caine that makes you ready to penetrate the world with your 24/7 hard-on.

    Eddie from ARSENAL is schwag that makes you feel more depressed than high after smoking it, bumming everybody out as you start talking about how your bills are piling up past overdue and that they're gonna cut off the…

  • Phantom Thread

    Phantom Thread

    ★★★★★

    Man, I was feeling left out as fuck. The way people were going on about how great THE MASTER was and how super cooly-cool-cool INHERENT VICE was and me, I'm the PT Anderson mark who went as far as watching these films again for a second or third time in a desperate attempt to see what everybody else saw. I even took the extra gas money/ticket money step to see them in 70mm.

    But no, I was left appreciating those…

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  • Eastern Promises

    Eastern Promises

    ★★★★

    In the past few years, people have been coming down on my man The Crones by accusing him of "selling out", simply because there's no chest vaginas or people getting off on horrific shit in a sex-type way. These motherfuckers are just too scared when a motherfucker zigs rather than zags, which is what my boy has been doing with his most recent joints. They don't notice that he's still making serious adult films for fuckin' serious adults. Also, I…

  • Six Degrees of Separation

    Six Degrees of Separation

    ★★★½

    Rizzo from GREASE and her husband President Snow from THE HUNGER GAMES are entertaining Gandalf from THE LORD OF THE RINGS in their niiiiice Fifth Avenue apartment (they have money) when all of a sudden their lives get flipped turned upside down when the Fresh Prince shows up at their door bleeding and talking in an overly affected manner about how he was just Central Park'd by some muggers.

    They take him in, tend to his wound, and the whole…