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  • Carrie

    Carrie

    ★★★★★

    deeply, blood-chillingly terrifying sans psychic stuff just because the kinds of people who would relentlessly torture Carrie are people that exist in droves in this shitty world.

  • Scooby-Doo! and the Witch's Ghost

    Scooby-Doo! and the Witch's Ghost

    ★★★★

    This review may contain spoilers. I can handle the truth.

    Just goes to show you can’t trust a guy with a ponytail.

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  • Ready Player One

    Ready Player One

    (This movie definitely has a huge audience. I am not it.)

    The perfect movie for Deadpool shirt-wearing, Rick and Morty quoting, all-night gaming, Hot Topic shopping, Mountain Dew chugging, reddit commenting, 30 year old virgin Nice Guys ™ who immediately send friend requests to female gamers when they encounter them and then go to wonder why girls never like Nice Guys™ like them. It's a movie for the gatekeepers, the guys who scoff at people whenever they misquote a Star…

  • Death Spa

    Death Spa

    ★★★★★

    Like a Neapolitan of every ridiculous 80s fetish object you can think of; tacky fashion and insanely bougie health clubs and ultrapowerful 'computerz' all wrapped in neon (this is all hearsay. I was born in the 90s, all of my 80s knowledge comes from movies like Death Spa).

    It's a fairly standard slasher (gorgeous aesthetics and kills aside) for the first hour or so, before evolving into 15 flavors of fucking crazy for the last 20 minutes, when it essentially…