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  • Dead Slow Ahead

    Dead Slow Ahead

    ★★★★★

    larger than you'd expect given the circumstances

  • Batman Returns

    Batman Returns

    ★★★★

    an argument among wealthy cosplayers gets out of hand, makes up part of my childhood

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  • The Flying Luna Clipper

    The Flying Luna Clipper

    ★★★★½

    Was settled on a firm 3.5 until the Gravity Dance sequence, then from that moment on the thing became sublime ... "What a strange monkey the human race is."

  • Cool as Ice

    Cool as Ice

    ★★½

    OK fine. So the writing sucks, the direction sucks, the acting (mostly) sucks, & Vanilla Ice is really cool if you're 9, white, & terminally bored. Those fucking stupid pants hit way too close to home—pretty sure they were sewn by my grandma circa 1989, with no pockets. Jesus. HOWEVER, the production design & the cinematography (by Janusz Kamiński, who's no slouch, let's face it—Schindler's List, anyone?) are incredible, making this the sort of garbage one has to see before one dies. Whatever. Just don't pay for it.