Mommy ★★★★★

somehow die’s dream sequence makes me even more emotional now than the first time around, probably because i’m painfully aware of the fact that it’s just that: a dream. like the hundreds of dreams we think up every day, the futures we envision to get us through our right now, only to snap out of them and find our right now looks twice as bad now, in direct comparison. 

i’m a bit lost between dreams right now, which is why i watched this again. or at least that’s the best way i can think to put it. i dropped out of uni after all of two weeks of lectures. in the past month i’ve moved to london and moved back because that dream didn’t turn out to be the right one. so now i’m home and i’ve thrown over the plan i’d started making for myself three years ago and i’m not entirely sure where to go from here. 
i mean i do still have the dream – of working in the film industry. and i’m not giving it up, i’m just unsure how (or if) i’m ever going to realise it now. 
but there’s something about this film that makes me feel less lost, feel like i should at least try, somehow, and like i can try. and i don’t know if i can accurately convey why it does that but it’s a mixture of my admiration for the film and my admiration for the filmmaker behind it. because when i first watched it, it was special, and it wasn’t like anything i’d seen before and i loved it instantly. and because say what you will about xavier dolan, i love the man. i love that he wrote and directed his first feature in his home town before turning twenty and that it’s great. and i know that probably wasn’t all luck and he grew up acting and his dad had ties to the quebec film scene but that’s not my point. my point is: not only does this film successfully reinforce my dream, it is my dream. and if i can ever make something that makes me (and hopefully others) feel like this, my dream will have come true.

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