The Fault in Our Stars ★½

here is a brief snippet of my critique on this fucking movie where i rank all the wacky moments that happen on their trip to amsterdam. i am 5 years too late but here we are anyway:

#5: logistically, there’s no way this girl has a passport. she’s a teenager who can’t travel in an airplane, and she was only given a week’s notice for this trip. this detail is small but we can’t all live in a fantasy world with a compliant tsa. 

#4. van houten is a cartoon bad guy. it’s like john green wanted to be SUPER CLEAR that he’s the villain he was like “you know what? let’s have him verbally abuse two children with cancer. surely this is a person who would exist in real life”. and then he probably asked his fans on tumblr what a movie villain should look like and they sent him gifs of an unshaven willem dafoe. 
#4a: why does this guy have an assistant? it’s the epitome of “remember mr. finch at 5pm you need to keep looking like a hard boiled egg.”

#3. their dinner date—not only was her dress UGLY! (a knee-length cap-sleeve blue striped foam-looking staple of every clearance rack at ross) but there’s no way two straight edge teenagers drinking champagne for the first time would enjoy it. champagne does not taste like “the stars” it tastes like la croix’s ugly twin who wears fake gucci

#2. the GROSS underuse of Laura Dern! she flew out with them too! and for what? to spend her days alone at the hotel or wandering the streets of amsterdam? and then on the last day when she asks hazel if she wants to hang out just once, augustus (which is a name i hope i never have to type again) has the NERVE to ask for alone time? when he’s been hogging her this whole time? this is laura’s trip too! get fucked!

#1. imagine you’re in the attic of the anne frank house, listening to a recording of otto frank talking about his family’s gruesome murder, and you turn around and two asshole american teenagers are making out in front of you. there’s no dramatic score, no context, it’s just you and these strangely identical weirdos, fully embraced, who lack any empathy or awareness of their surroundings