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  • Cosmopolis

    Cosmopolis

    ★★★★★

    HOW COULD YOU THINK ANY LESS THAN FIVE STARS OF THIS? TO DO SO WOULD BE SIMPLY INCORRECT. CRONENBERG CRONENBERGED THE FRIGGIN' FUDGE OUT OF THIS CLASSICONTEMPORARY PIECE OF CRONENBERGIAN BRILLIANCE. YOU OPINIONS OF LESS THAN FIVE STARS CAN WALK LONG OFF SHORT. YOUR TASTE IS QUESTIONABLE. ALL HAIL THE CRONENBERG.

  • Alien: Covenant

    Alien: Covenant

    ★★★★★

    THIS IS THE FILM THAT MANY INTERWEBS 'REVIEWERS' WILL YAY OR NAY, BUT THE TRUTH IS... THEY'RE ALL SLOBULENT PIECES OF TEXT TRASH! CAST OFF THIS OPPRESSION! SHOOT RIDLEY SCOTT INTO YOUR VEINS! YOU ARE THE ONE TO DECIDE! VOMIX OR MANY LESS THAN THREES! FIVE NEGATIVE STARS STRAIGHT TO OBLIVION! LONG LIVE THE MEWLING FLESH!

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  • Drive

    Drive

    ★★★★★

    An Open Letter to Ryan Gosling,

    Hey Bro.

    So, first off, I'd just like to say that I really enjoyed your performance in this film. Had a real satisfying 'postmodern man with no name' kinda vibe to it. Nice one. Not so much with the Gangster Squad thing. I guess that was probably one of those projects that looked better on paper, huh? Hey, you win some, you lose some. I haven't seen The Place Beyond The Pines yet, but…

  • Avatar

    Avatar

    ★½

    James Cameron's next film is just going to be footage of him squealing with glee, naked, touching himself, in a pile of your hard earned money, on a greenscreen backdrop, in 3D, mocking you for spending so much cash to see his hokey movies. You'll love it and it will break all kinds of records and James Cameron will then buy the moon.