The first sixty of these 77 minutes are trash. At best it's disposable, and at worst it's openly vile and toxic about mental health issues and what might drive a person to suicide. In the middle of those two extremes it's also very dumb about the internet. And not in the fun way a dumb slasher about a cursed phone or whatever can be, it's more like how your parents or your dumbest uncle can be dumb about the internet.…
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Zack Snyder's Justice League 2021
What could I possibly even say about Zack Snyder's Justice League, a film so dominated by its auteur's oppressive vision that everything I thought was excessive or ridiculous about Man of Steel or Batman v. Superman: Dawn of Justice is here, and turned up to eleventy-twelve.
I joke that I committed to the bit too hard on the Snyderverse, but I hated Man of Steel and BvS, I hated Justice League 1.0, and knew going in that I would feel…
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The Rat Catcher 2023
My neighbour had locked himself out, no phone, no keys, so he knocked on my door to ask to use my phone to call his friend who, one, had his spare key, and two, was apparently in the Phantom Zone, seen recently by half the city and yet totally unreachable.
So we called a locksmith, just the top result in the search engine of your choice, who was here as fast as he could have been, and instantly jimmied his…
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Cocaine Bear 2023
As a film, pretty much exactly what it says on the tin -- there's a bear, it does a lot of cocaine, it goes nuts, there's a lot of violence, credits roll. Fun. Worse ways to fill 95 minutes.
But as a Cinematic Experience, miserable. Maybe twenty people there, and I think I saw... eleven different phones come out? I saw people check Instagram, have lengthy text conversations, take a selfie real quick, somebody turned their flashlight on and looked…
