• Pinocchio

    Pinocchio

    ★★★★★

    at least clifford had charles grodin hating the shit out of the adult boy creature

  • Maleficent: Mistress of Evil

    Maleficent: Mistress of Evil

    ½

    stupid birds

  • Pinocchio

    Pinocchio

    ½

    turd in the street was the best actor

  • Pinocchio

    Pinocchio

    We spent a solid minute watching cuckoo clocks go off and then Geppetto takes a pocket watch out and asks what time it is.

  • The Santa Suit

    The Santa Suit

    Quantum Leap: Santa Edition

  • The Jesse Ventura Story

    The Jesse Ventura Story

    ★★★★★

    incredible

  • Sharks of the Corn

    Sharks of the Corn

    ½

    from husk till yawn

  • Teenage Vampire

    Teenage Vampire

    Difficult to tell if parts of this are meant to be an homage to other movies or if they’re just doing scenes from other movies badly, but one thing I can say is that being a vampire only made her a marginally better bowler.

  • Under Wraps 2

    Under Wraps 2

    ★★★

    this movie did more for gay rights than decades of legislation

  • Hocus Pocus 2

    Hocus Pocus 2

    I’m glad the child murderers got a redemption arc.

  • Attack of the Super Monsters

    Attack of the Super Monsters

    ★★★★

    I’m not really sure why they needed to fuse for 3 1/2 minutes just to press a button, but they sure did blow up those dinosaurs good.

  • Beastly

    Beastly

    I often vow vengeance on someone and then leave the movie entirely.