Snake Eyes: G.I. Joe Origins

Snake Eyes: G.I. Joe Origins ½

Captain Ninja, Ninja-Man, Lt. NinjaGuy... call this whatever you want because it only bears the most passing resemblance to the IP its based on. The studio had no idea how to go with this, so they got a team of writers to contribute every cliche and unoriginal scenario from ninja- and yakuza-fiction to be sutured together by shaky-cam fight choreo and muddy visuals. No one comes out of this looking good, not overwhelmed Henry Golding, not hack director Robert Schwentke, not even buzzy up-and-comer Samara Weaving. The simple fact is there's no room for GI Joe in the feature space because it's too affiliated with American militarism and the 1980s, so you can just let it go -- but a blanched retelling of "The Challenge" or "The Yakuza" isn't going to get us anywhere. Did the production team not read this in draft form, or see a rough cut of the fiasco they made?

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