Batman v Superman: Dawn of Justice

Batman v Superman: Dawn of Justice ★★★★★

Okay, I got way too stoned last night and fully decided that this is the gayest entry in the DCEU. Let me tell you why:

1. The ultimate cut is 3 hours long. It's messy, chaotic, operatic. Not since Tony Kushner's Angels In America Part 2: Perestroika have I seen so many individual plot points come together in an explosion of thematic and structural excess. Snyder should've just called it Batman v Superman: A Gay Fantasia on National Themes, especially given its heavy political undercurrent.

2. It's brooding AND scary! The gays love spooky things, and this has its fair share of disturbing moments: the entire Senate sequence, the desert dream, and the snuff pictures of Martha Kent for Chrissake!

3. Its two main characters are outsiders, unable to share their true identity with the world and are struggling to find themselves. They both have major mommy/daddy issues and take it out on each other. A common problem in gay relationships!

4. Holly fucking Hunter.

5. The iconic line delivery of "this is a really historic moment" from the CNN reporter.

6. Jesse Eisenberg is giving you CAMP and META-THEATRICALITY. He's doing Mark Zuckerberg on poppers. Costume designer Michael Wilkinson puts him in tight suits, lots of Navy stripes, and cute sneakers. He's like a psychotic Twink with Daddy's credit card.

7. It's filled to the brim with emotion and melodrama. Certain scenes are deliberately made to make you cry. Douglas Sirk would've been proud.

8. Ben Affleck's beautiful butt in the shower! Henry Cavill’s chest hair! 

9. Junkie XL/Hans Zimmer's score feels like the auditory equivalent to getting deep d*cked.

10. Jena Malone and those glasses. Full stop.

11. Amy Adams bringing you depth, nuance, strength, and grace to a part that's heavily underwritten.

As Sophie Anderson, noted Cock Destroyer, once famously said: "I love it. I love it. It gives me that buzz. It feeds exactly what I wanna do."

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