The Mummy ★★★★

I thought for sure that either "Monster Trucks" or "Table 19" would be my ultimate guilty pleasures of 2017 but here we are, me reviewing "The Mummy" with Tom Cruise after seeing it twice within the span of 24 hours with my father.

Look, I'm not going to deny it; this is a STUPID ass movie. From the endless amounts of screaming, overly convoluted plot points, constant reuses of the same footage (they replay the opening flashback of The Mummy's introduction at least five times and it's always hilarious), Tom Cruise looking constantly confused and getting hurt in various ways (the climax is nothing but him getting the shit beat out of him and it's SO FUNNY), the over the top music and jumpscares, everything is just so unironically dumb and dopey, I can't help but find it so much fun.

Not to mention that, it's not a BADLY directed or made film. The production design is solid and Kurtzman does a good job directing most of the action sequences (the Crutch sequence as well as the Hyde fight are some of the highlights), and Cruise himself does better with what he was given than he probably should.

Granted, again, he is basically playing bastardized Nathan Drake in someone's "Uncharted/Mummy" fan fiction, but god damn it, I can't help but love it. Crowe's Jekyll, acting sorta as this "Dark Universe"'s Nick Fury, makes for a fun time too, and Jake Johnson doing Jack Goodman from "An American Werewolf in London" is so oddly specific for a movie to rip off (or homage?) to not find fun.

Plus, I LOVE the design of "The Mummy" in this movie. The pale skin and wraps draping off her not to mention that creepy and yet beautiful voice, just, yes. All my yes. And watching her beat the shit out of people and Tom Cruise especially is always a delight.

I dunno what else to say. Everyone has that movie every year that everybody hates but they like a lot, and thought for sure those two above would be mine, but here we are. "The Mummy" is a dopey ass movie that probably gave me several different types of brain cancer that I enjoyed every minute of.

I look forward to not only owning it, but watching it with friends over Rabbit. It's gonna be great.

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