Mulholland Drive

Mulholland Drive ★★★★★

The in depth analytical review of my favourite film of all time is not the piece I'm writing today. This is another Personal Essay. If you aren't interested in my life, this isn't for you.
Mulholland Drive has been my favourite film of all time since when I first watched it about two years ago. Since then, I have made it a tradition to watch it on my birthday as a sort of way to start and end the year. However I heard from a friend on Twitter that it was showing two days after my birthday in cinemas on 35mm. So I went and saw it. I counted my viewing of this as one of the ends of the last year of my life, the other being the night with my girlfriend. And after it was over, I reflected on the last year of my life and how I've changed and developed.
The majority of my year was shit. I was in almost constant pain due to migraines and was stuck at home in bed a lot. At school, i was constantly surrounded with people I disliked or didn't feel comfortable with which made me feel alone and insecure. My two favourite teachers, one went on maternity leave and was gone for over half the year and the other disappeared for six months and I still don't know why. I was always bored or in pain. The lights making my head worse, the constant pressure being applied on me. When I was at home, I struggled as well. My mum was moving out of the house to go and live somewhere else, making my parents' divorce official in my head. I remember shrieking when I found out, my brain in the process of melting down and having no way to control it. Having to adapt to a new house as well as seeing the old one change, both freaked me out. My anxiety got really bad, my insecurities got bigger. I became detached from most people and started to feel awkward around lots of people. I have went to the cinema even more frequently than before, continuing to lose myself in it. I joined Letterboxd as an observer not a writer. i just logged my films and that was it. I continued not to interact on Twitter, instead just observing on others' interactions. I barely retweeted anything out of my anxiety, I don't know why. I lost a friend who I talked to everyday for two years and I don't even miss him. Films became my life more than they ever had been. They were my method of coping, how I dealt with the amount of changes happening in my life. When I was ill, I watched movies. When I was suffering, I watched movies. They helped me survive all the negative shit.
Over the last year, I realised I was bisexual which freaked me out at first and made me question who I was. I had constant doubts about it for two months which was torturous. I've had numerous bad thoughts which I've already talked about before. I've hurt people emotionally and physically and have felt guilt about it ever since. I sometimes felt that the world would be better without me. I've screamed, I've punched walls, I've banged my head against objects. Hit myself. I had a near death experience or at least something that felt like one which made me realise a lot of shit .I've bonded a lot with my dad even though we've been close for years. I've had a fractured relationship with my mum although I love her. I've started writing a lot more as well.
My year hasn't been great is what I'm trying to say. It has ranged from great movies to extensive self loathing and a complete overhaul of my day to day life. you can read the other Personal Essays to gain a full understanding of my unhappiness and fears.This year was tough. This summer changed that. Despite all that shit I just said, I have never been happier. For two reasons both of which I'll cover. Twitter has been one of them. I started interacting more with people on twitter in April and I've started frequently interacting with more and more people ever since. The friends I've made have been there for me when I'm feeling like shit, have supported me with my writing, have engaged in conversations about bullshit with me. I don't know if I would have made it through the worst times without them. Not even just the ones who talked me through things (you know who you are) but just being there. The friends I've made helped me feel like I mattered. That if my life ended, they would miss me. I've bonded genuinely with a lot of people and I hope they feel the same. I won't mention any names but I love all of you. I've become more social due to this. I've had Skype calls with people that have lasted for hours, something I never could have done months ago. I feel like I matter. That's why I am on Twitter so much because interacting with people there made me happier and made me matter to myself. My best friends in the world I met there and for that I'm forever grateful.
However my girlfriend has made me happy, happier than I've ever been. I met her on Twitter and found out that she lived near me. I asked her if she wanted to meet up sometime and she said yes. The first time we met, we walked and talked for hours. I loved spending time with her and she seemed to like spending time with me. We went out again and went to a cafe, where we sat and talked for hours. I thought that she liked me when I played her a Death Grips song, I still don't know why. Turns out I was right. Near the end of our outing, I told her I liked her and she smiled. We met up several more times, texting extensively in between. When we did meet up, it was perfect. I asked her to be my girlfriend and she said yes. I've never been in a relationship before and I thought I'd never be. I thought that my face wasn't good enough, that my Asperger's was too much. She stopped me feeling like that. i haven't felt self conscious ever when I am with her. she makes me happy and this means so so much to me considering that a couple of months ago I thought that I would never be happy again. I told her she's the most beautiful girl in the world and meant it. I'm so fucking lucky to have her. She is nothing but understanding about who I am. One time, she showed me her Love is Love badge and smiled at me which made me feel brilliant. I love holding her in my arms, looking into her eyes and just being there with her. I'm mesmerized whenever I see her. I lose control of my filter when I'm with her and just start saying lots of compliments. I make eye contact with her which is exceptionally difficult for me with anyone else. I feel 100% happy and comfortable when I'm with her. I love everything about her. I've never felt so much about anyone and having her with me is the best I've ever felt. I love her and she loves me. She makes me a better person with every moment I spend with her. And she's made my year the best I've ever had.
This is the first happy Personal essay I've wrote and will likely be the last for now. I wrote most of these when I was distressed, angry etc. Now I'm happy and I thought I'd put it to words. this is likely filled with typos and is probably absolute shit but I'm glad I wrote this because all of you deserve to properly know that I am OK. That I have hope in myself and my future. that i'm finally really fucking happy. And also that Mulholland Drive is the greatest film ever made and if you haven't watched it, you should do that. Love you all and thank you for all that you've done. Goodbye

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