Batman v Superman: Dawn of Justice

Batman v Superman: Dawn of Justice ★★

This is a live review of random thoughts because that's what this movie deserves:

'Jesse Eisenberg' credit right on face of little boy (young Bruce at that). Zack Snyder hinting to us that Lex is not a man yet while also subtlety and thematically linking him to Batman. Smart. Clever. Awe-inspiring

Batman calls someone from work, sounds like he calls him 'dad' not 'Jack'. Snyder reminds once again that Bruce has parental issues. Also, dude, why the fuck haven't you cleared that building yet? They called the fire department and cleared my University when a faculty member set a rubbish bin on fire oppsy-daisily, or when that kid went on the roof. Aliens are blowing up Metropolis but you're like, "nah, these Wayne Industries quarterly reports aren't going to publish themselves *crack whip!* hi-yah! Ignore that spaceship"

9/11 imagery. Snyder's working on another filmic level.

Scoot McNairy has the most untrustworthy face in the history of faces.

Snyder to Affleck: "pretend that kid is a bottle of whiskey about to be turned to debris, and ACTION!"
Affleck: Oh, no! *action-man reflexes*

Cut to: 'somewhere in the Indian Ocean'. Gaze in wonder at the amazing attention to detail with that non-specific title card!

This man is CIA.

Snyder could probably make a decent CIA/desert war action movie if he wanted. Worked well for Michael Bay, not that Snyder is anywhere in his realm.

Metropolis U v Gotham City College is 58-0 with Met U going for a hail mary instead of taking the sportsman like knee to end the game. Get it? It's something to do with Superman being more powerful than Batman or something.

This movie has as many openings as Return of the King had endings.

Superman doesn't answer to God; Batman is the devil (at least to trafficked sex slaves). GRIT.

Batman's plan is to literally hide in the corner and hope no one notices him! :D

'DUHHHHH DUN DUH DUH DUHHHH' - what's wrong with me that I actually this little, bombastic and overly-dramatic music cue?

The Ultimate Edition is three hours long but there's still plenty of time for insert shots of a leaky tap.

Where does Clark Kent find the time to gel his hair back when he transforms into Superman? Does he carry it around with him or something?

30 minutes in and I already can't stand Superman's lack of personality, even when he's making out with Lois in a bathtub, he's barely a step above Christian Grey in terms of blandness. This is why no matter extreme Batman is he will always be the more compelling character.

Someone save me from Eisenberg's smugness.

The only thing saving this movie at the moment is the score even if it syncs up with what's being show on screen about as well as my USB syncs with my laptop after I've dipped in a glass of water, which is to say, not at all.

Another Clark Kent scene. Kill me.

"Maybe he's not a Jesus figure, maybe's just some guy trying to do the right thing" - this is too deep for me.

Does that family need to paint Superman's symbol on their roof, do they think he won't notice them or are they tying to curry favour with him in hopes he'll prioritise them over the other family's in need?

I buy Jena Malone as a scientist with those glasses 😎

Wonder Woman could peg Bruce Wayne if she were inclined.

Post-apocalyptic Batman is a full movie I want to see.

Batman's Nightmares would also be a cool movie.

We are one hour into Batman v Superman, time for a Justice League trailer.

I'll give Snyder his due. I was watching Solace on TV earlier and that was visibly awful in a made-for-TV kind of way. I think this might be Snyder's most mature and well-staged/shot/blocked film. I don't buy him as a GOOD visual director, I think people mistake LOTS of visuals for good, but there's something about this Batman car chases that's much more cinematic than anything from Nolan's post Batman Begins films. There's a comic book texture to the whole sequence that I like. And when Superman rips the roof of the Batmobile off it's the first time these two figures actually live up to the mythic stature the film wants you to think they have.

...and then the movie cuts back to Kansas and I suddenly think less of Superman as a figure again thank's to Ma Kent's on-the-nose dialogue.

Judging from the facepaint on the Superman-protesters only hipsters hate Superman in this universe.

Ha, Lex peed in a jar.

Alfred wears a really nice coat and stylish ascot for a butler who chops wood all day.

Batman hitting a giant tyre with a hammer is more compelling than anything anybody else does in this movie.

Justice League Teaser #2

You can almost see Michael Shannon's dong. I wonder if he was set for this in a world we can digitally resurrect dead actors and considering his detest for this movie.

I think Lois uses a Windows phone. That's a nice touch of realism, even smart reporters make purchasing mistakes.

Duality - Supes and Bats pine for dead fathers. Touching, if I cared.

Batman is gearing up to fight Superman. At this point, I barely even remember that I am supposed to care even though this is the only reason I wanted to watch this movie in the first place. It's a very cluttered movie. I don't know why I am watching the 3-hour cut when it's the shortened, 90-minute version I really crave.

Lex is a good hype man. I actually love this scene on the helipad. But it saddens me because I know that Doomsday thing is coming and the movie is still not close to being over when it should. :'( But the conflict he sets up is the first compelling event in this movie so far (we're only two hours in, to be fair) ever if I still don't fully understand why Superman hates Batman at this point (or maybe I do but I don't buy it). If this movie were more focused maybe it would have spent more time on showing us what each thinks of the other instead of this Justice League set up shit.

Close up: Wonder Woman's finger on the touchpad of her laptop. RIVETING CINEMA.

That shot of Aquaman looks like it was set up for a shampoo commerical.

Superman: "Bruce, stop." Batman (sweating nervously): "Bruce... uhhh, who's that? Sounds like a cool guy?"

Batman's smile when he thinks he's outsmarted Superman. 😏

I can't believe there's still an hour of this left.

Batman's face when he realises he might actually die. 🤔

The joy I feel watching him beat the shit out of Superman is immeasurable.

The hole left in the wall Superman throws Batman through looks like a goldfish.

Batman: "My parents taught me a different lesson, dying in the gutter for no reason at all-" Superman (internally):

This Russian guy really just wants to set someone, anyone, on fire, with or without a reason.

Now the fight is over the movie may as well end as far as I'm concerned. Imagine Batman actually killed Superman and then it ends just after saving his mother? That'd be a nice movie.

Why don't the bad guys aim for Batman's unprotected jaw.

I am not a Batman purist so I have no issue watching him murder nameless hired goons.

Ring ring: "Hello, it's Batman". Lex did not think this plan through.

... or he kind of did but I prefer to think this part of the movie never happened because this is exhausting in the worst way possible.

I don't love that if Batman died he would have died cowering with his hands in front of his face.

I feel like I am watching a kid play with his dolls while making action sounds at the end here.

If Lex were crazy and bald the entire time I would have had more fun.

This movie was longer because of two Jena Malone scenes? What on Earth about this screams, "better than the theatrical version?". This, like the famed Kingdom of Heaven extended cut, is literally just longer, not better. I should have just watched Runaway Train with my mum instead.

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