The title of this film is both a lie and a swindle. There was plenty of time in the six hours and fifty weeks this interminable bore-fest went on for, but old Mr Potato Head James Bond didn't cark it until right at the end.

Also, the recent Bond villains have been pretty lame.

- Man who has too much water
- Man who takes the last takeaway coffee lid
- Man whose face is all veiny

Bring back the real villains, men who can eat you with their steel teeth and shit.

Hopefully this is the last James Bond film ever.

If you're a fan of sand, then this is definitely the movie for you. If you like sand AND worms, you're gonna be in heaven.

However, if neither of those things appeal to you, you will disappointed as this is just two and a half hours of sand, worms, and a fine boned young man who has to put his hand in a sharp box for a while because a mega-nun told him to.

Contains the greatest line in cinema history: "No woman can truly love a man who listens to Phil Collins."

This is true, because Phil Collins is a cunt. It also works the other way, in that no man can love a woman who loves Phil Collins. Which should, hopefully, preclude Phil Collins fans from breeding.

That would be a good thing.

This review may contain spoilers. I can handle the truth.