Keeping a running commentary (with help from my 18 year old daughter) while we watch this disaster:

Hamilton vibes for sure right out of the gate.

If you close your eyes, you can almost hear Freddie Mercury rolling over in his grave.

I’m calling it now. The prince will abdicate and support Ella’s Etsy shop and the sister will claim the throne.

Do you think a female character will literally crash through a glass ceiling at some point? Let’s find out.

Idina Menzel was in the original cast of Rent, a musical about the dangers of selling out. Let that sink in for a moment. Also, Material Girl was the most obvious choice of song for that scene. I saw it coming a mile away and couldn’t believe they actually used it.

My wife says “It’s not that bad”. Mind you, she watched 10 minutes and left and came back 20 minutes later. She then said “It seems like something this generation would be into”. I said, “No, it seems like something somebody thinks this generation (this generation being the Zoomers I guess) would be into but they are not.” My daughter, an actual Zoomer, asked “What Buzzfeed writer wrote this script?”.

Also Aladdin vibes. But this time the prince posing as a commoner rather than a princess.

Can this movie count on my 100 Horror Films in 92 Days list?

Not really into Ella’s designs. Her showstopper dress is hideous.

Cinderella is not like other girls. She can’t walk in heels. I mean, Billy Porter has no problem.

Oh good. James Corden. I wish the other mice were Lin Manuel Miranda and Kelly Clarkson since that trio never seems to leave me alone.

Couldn’t Billy Porter do something about that braid in her hair?

Also getting Coming 2 America vibes. Complete with Whatta Man minus the actual Salt n Pepa.

Somehow they found the blandest white guy for the prince. Bless his heart. 

Seven Nation Army is still a banger. I mean, not this version. But in general.

“Your highness is the man whose blood I spilled to gain this crown”. What a flex!

Is Ella a manic pixie dream girl here? I don’t know what’s happening.

Boy these are some muddled accents these people are using.

Cinderella is not like other girls. She’s clumsy.

My wife is literally sitting outside in the pitch darkness to avoid seeing anymore of this film.

Live action Beauty and the Beast walked so this version of Cinderella could run.

I’m gonna need to watch Moulin Rouge as a palate cleanser after this one.

So many reprises. My goodness.

Why is she in a hurry to get out at midnight? The prince already knows she’s poor. I’m so confused. I guess its so she can lean into her career. Girl boss.

They gonna throw together a royal wedding in two days?

I really wanted Idina to start singing What I Did For Love from A Chorus Line. Instead, we get…an original song I guess? A girl boss anthem of some sort. 

Minnie Driver was so good in that ABC show Speechless from a few years ago. Did anyone else watch that show? If not, it’s on Hulu and I highly recommend it. I wish I was watching it right now.

I mean, if Ella is forced to get married, she may as well marry the prince instead of the farm boy. I don’t get this plot.

Male Megan Markle vibes? 

My daughter: “My least favorite romantic trope—persistence. Boy I said no. Leave me alone.”

The new romance. No marriage. No commitment. No labels.

Also some major Descendants 3 vibes.

Why is this movie still going? Why is it almost two hours long?

James Corden is also a producer. 

It’s over. What an experience. My daughter says this is what Millennial feminists (and Buzzfeed writers—which is the same thing) consider progressive. 

I would still rather watch this film again than live action Beauty and the Beast. I said what I said.

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