History class in the distant future
Teacher: Can anyone tell me what this is? *shows some holographic screenshots from Extinction to the class*
Student #1: Hmm, it looks like it has been shot through a full diaper…and judging from the banal nature of the dialogue excerpts you gave us…a Netflix Original?
Teacher: Correct. The pictures in front of you represent the inevitable downfall of the two dominating forms of film consumption in the first half of the 21st century; an…
- What's going on down there? Come in!
- Uh, I just watched the new Solo movie. Everything is in control. A little vacuous and poorly written, but in control. Disney hasn't fucked up yet, despite worrying production problems and the hilariously ironic need for acting coaches. Anyone who has seen Hail, Caesar! knows what I'm talking about.
- What happened exactly? Would you care to specify?
- Uh, I don't really want to. Too many specifics could cost me…
”It’s the first baby in 18 years. You can’t call it Froley.”
Me in 2006: Great dystopian thriller, this. Incredible tension and directing! That long take in the car is truly an all-timer.
Me in 2018: THIS IS PROPHECY! Fuck, we’re getting closer to this future by the minute. Some of it is already transpiring, to which I am perspiring. Gimme some of that Strawberry Cough, I know you’ve got it, My Cocaine. I’ve never smoked a joint in my…
Because pretentious college poetry and watching Goofy go to the unemployment office is exactly the kind of uplifting escapism I seek in the sequel to one of my favorite Disney films. I also sense that the director has seen Fritz the Cat and Saturday Night Fever one too many times. Things got too real, too fast.
God creates dinosaurs
God destroys dinosaurs
God creates Steven Spielberg
Steven Spielberg creates dinosaurs
Dinosaurs inspire man
Man destroys God
The Indie-to-Hollywood Conversion Factory creates Colin Trevorrow
Colin Trevorrow reverse-engineers a beloved childhood favorite and puts most of the pieces back in a satisfying, nostalgic and highly entertaining fashion, if also neglecting the importance of character and the great, oh-so-great value of Goldblumian acting capabilities.
Second-rate writers inherit the earth
The world is changed. I feel it in the water. I feel it in the earth. I smell it in the funky air of my local HFR theatre.
Much that once was is lost, for no director now lives who remembers its subtle epicness.
It began with the forging of The Lord of the Rings trilogy and the great feels that followed.
Three feels were given to the Elves; immortal, wisest and fairest of all beings.
Seven to the Dwarf…
