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  • Jurassic World: Fallen Kingdom

    Jurassic World: Fallen Kingdom

    ★★★★½

    Colin Trevorrow creates Jurassic World

    Jurassic World destroys the box office

    Money-hungry suits create Jurassic World 2

    Jurassic World 2, far exceeding expectations, overjoys (one) man.

    (One) man, greedily wanting more dinosaurs and thespians with Goldblumian acting chops, resurrects their original creator, God.

    God, whose mailbox is instantly flooded with weird porn links and other dumb requests, reluctantly answers (one) man’s prayers, then ditches us for another universe, leaving some whiskey-smudged scribbles on a piece of toilet paper, saying:

    “For…

  • Solo: A Star Wars Story

    Solo: A Star Wars Story

    ★★★½

    - What's going on down there? Come in!

    - Uh, I just watched the new Solo movie. Everything is in control. A little vacuous and poorly written, but in control. Disney hasn't fucked up yet, despite worrying production problems and the hilariously ironic need for acting coaches. Anyone who has seen Hail, Caesar! knows what I'm talking about.

    - What happened exactly? Would you care to specify?

    - Uh, I don't really want to. Too many specifics could cost me…

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  • The Disaster Artist

    The Disaster Artist

    ★★★★

    Disaster Artist is real good movie. Real American movie. It has tragedy, humor, human behavior, vampire rapist. It will make you feel something. I know this. But one thing really tear me apart: How did director and superstar Tommy W get all his money? Is it crime money or honest money? I’m someone’s favorite customer so I deserve to know. Be a friend to me, be a good sport. What you mean ”fake beard”? You not listen to me. Ha ha ha ha. Oh, hi Mark!

  • The Book of Henry

    The Book of Henry

    ★★½

    ”How can I remove humanity so far from reality and physical comfort that they’ll sign my soul- and telemarketing-related contracts, without as much as a second glance, just to be spared from it all?”, Satan asked himself, rubbing his contemporary goatee.

    *Satan writes the script for The Book of Henry, holds it aloft The Lion King-style and gives it an unmistakeably smug back-hand slap*

    ”Lucifer, you devilish genius!”

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  • Jurassic World

    Jurassic World

    ★★★★

    God creates dinosaurs

    God destroys dinosaurs

    God creates Steven Spielberg

    Steven Spielberg creates dinosaurs

    Dinosaurs inspire man

    Man destroys God

    The Indie-to-Hollywood Conversion Factory creates Colin Trevorrow

    Colin Trevorrow reverse-engineers a beloved childhood favorite and puts most of the pieces back in a satisfying, nostalgic and highly entertaining fashion, if also neglecting the importance of character and the great, oh-so-great value of Goldblumian acting capabilities.

    Second-rate writers inherit the earth

  • The Hobbit: The Battle of the Five Armies

    The Hobbit: The Battle of the Five Armies

    ★★½

    The world is changed. I feel it in the water. I feel it in the earth. I smell it in the funky air of my local HFR theatre.

    Much that once was is lost, for no director now lives who remembers its subtle epicness.

    It began with the forging of The Lord of the Rings trilogy and the great feels that followed.

    Three feels were given to the Elves; immortal, wisest and fairest of all beings.

    Seven to the Dwarf…