You can dress a turd in IMAX, but it will still be a turd. Checked it out mainly for the rare opportunity to experience said theatre system for the first time (it’s the only film that was showing) and while the screen was massive and the sound really mind-blowing, the movie per se rapidly poisoned and eventually murdered the initial awe. Such an ugly-looking and abysmally written clusterfuck of a comic book flick that it failed to even meet my…
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Solo: A Star Wars Story 2018
- What's going on down there? Come in!
- Uh, I just watched the new Solo movie. Everything is in control. A little vacuous and poorly written, but in control. Disney hasn't fucked up yet, despite worrying production problems and the hilariously ironic need for acting coaches. Anyone who has seen Hail, Caesar! knows what I'm talking about.
- What happened exactly? Would you care to specify?
- Uh, I don't really want to. Too many specifics could cost me…
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The Man with the Iron Fists 2012
Too wasted on cheap filipino brandy to give this a rating you can rely on, but let's just summarize it as "I wasn't bored".
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Jurassic World 2015
God creates dinosaurs
God destroys dinosaurs
God creates Steven Spielberg
Steven Spielberg creates dinosaurs
Dinosaurs inspire man
Man destroys God
The Indie-to-Hollywood Conversion Factory creates Colin Trevorrow
Colin Trevorrow reverse-engineers a beloved childhood favorite and puts most of the pieces back in a satisfying, nostalgic and highly entertaining fashion, if also neglecting the importance of character and the great, oh-so-great value of Goldblumian acting capabilities.
Second-rate writers inherit the earth
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The Hobbit: The Battle of the Five Armies 2014
The world is changed. I feel it in the water. I feel it in the earth. I smell it in the funky air of my local HFR theatre.
Much that once was is lost, for no director now lives who remembers its subtle epicness.
It began with the forging of The Lord of the Rings trilogy and the great feels that followed.
Three feels were given to the Elves; immortal, wisest and fairest of all beings.
Seven to the Dwarf…
