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  • Extinction

    Extinction

    ★★

    History class in the distant future

    Teacher: Can anyone tell me what this is? *shows some holographic screenshots from Extinction to the class*

    Student #1: Hmm, it looks like it has been shot through a full diaper…and judging from the banal nature of the dialogue excerpts you gave us…a Netflix Original?

    Teacher: Correct. The pictures in front of you represent the inevitable downfall of the two dominating forms of film consumption in the first half of the 21st century; an…

  • Solo: A Star Wars Story

    Solo: A Star Wars Story

    ★★★½

    - What's going on down there? Come in!

    - Uh, I just watched the new Solo movie. Everything is in control. A little vacuous and poorly written, but in control. Disney hasn't fucked up yet, despite worrying production problems and the hilariously ironic need for acting coaches. Anyone who has seen Hail, Caesar! knows what I'm talking about.

    - What happened exactly? Would you care to specify?

    - Uh, I don't really want to. Too many specifics could cost me…

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  • Children of Men

    Children of Men

    ★★★★½

    ”It’s the first baby in 18 years. You can’t call it Froley.”

    Me in 2006: Great dystopian thriller, this. Incredible tension and directing! That long take in the car is truly an all-timer.

    Me in 2018: THIS IS PROPHECY! Fuck, we’re getting closer to this future by the minute. Some of it is already transpiring, to which I am perspiring. Gimme some of that Strawberry Cough, I know you’ve got it, My Cocaine. I’ve never smoked a joint in my…

  • An Extremely Goofy Movie

    An Extremely Goofy Movie

    ★★★

    Because pretentious college poetry and watching Goofy go to the unemployment office is exactly the kind of uplifting escapism I seek in the sequel to one of my favorite Disney films. I also sense that the director has seen Fritz the Cat and Saturday Night Fever one too many times. Things got too real, too fast.

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  • Jurassic World

    Jurassic World

    ★★★★

    God creates dinosaurs

    God destroys dinosaurs

    God creates Steven Spielberg

    Steven Spielberg creates dinosaurs

    Dinosaurs inspire man

    Man destroys God

    The Indie-to-Hollywood Conversion Factory creates Colin Trevorrow

    Colin Trevorrow reverse-engineers a beloved childhood favorite and puts most of the pieces back in a satisfying, nostalgic and highly entertaining fashion, if also neglecting the importance of character and the great, oh-so-great value of Goldblumian acting capabilities.

    Second-rate writers inherit the earth

  • The Hobbit: The Battle of the Five Armies

    The Hobbit: The Battle of the Five Armies

    ★★½

    The world is changed. I feel it in the water. I feel it in the earth. I smell it in the funky air of my local HFR theatre.

    Much that once was is lost, for no director now lives who remembers its subtle epicness.

    It began with the forging of The Lord of the Rings trilogy and the great feels that followed.

    Three feels were given to the Elves; immortal, wisest and fairest of all beings.

    Seven to the Dwarf…