Beach has written 10 reviews for films rated ½ .

  • Hamilton


    Immortal Technique was in the right for bullying Lin-Manuel

  • Shutter Island

    Shutter Island

    Senseless dogshit. If you figure out the plot twist in the first ten minutes, the movie just becomes an overwrought slog. The camera was far too happy to just linger on dead children and holocaust victims. It was shark-eyed and exploitative, I'm extremely disappointed in Martin for it. Atrocious editing and rife with continuity errors, I don't care if it's intentional - it looked awful. One more nail in the "I don't think Leonardo DiCaprio can act" coffin.

  • Jeffrey Epstein: Filthy Rich

    Jeffrey Epstein: Filthy Rich

    I've come to expect moral irresponsibility from Netflix documentaries. They think we're fucking idiots, they're laughing at you behind snappy editing that makes the stories of abuse survivors come across as an exciting tabloid fluff piece. Epstein's such a weirdo! Here's middlebrow interviews with the people that protected and helped sustain the sick cabal. HE'S the bad egg, here.
    Impossible to believe. These rich monsters only made this documentary to clear their name. Whitewashing the bigger picture and pinning it all on the fall guy. Makes me sick beyond belief.

  • Hillary


    Inside the Mind of a Killer.
    A cryptkeeper in her mid 300's that simply refuses to drop the Mean Girls shit.

  • Rocketman


    You can tell me as many "challenges of being rich & famous" narratives as you want when I'm dead.

  • Jojo Rabbit

    Jojo Rabbit

    What if Wes Anderson suddenly lost his eye for editing and cinematography. This genuinely gave me Bohemian Rhapsody flashbacks. Incredibly amateurish feeling, the scenes barely felt planned at all.

    Excruciating in every way. An "anti-hate satire" that is of course painfully middlebrow and tone-deaf, assuring the viewer that Nazis are - at worst - a bit gay and silly. Congrats Taika for creating a worse imaginary friend than Bendy.

  • The Holy Mountain

    The Holy Mountain

    What I imagine David Lynch looks like to people who hate David Lynch. Chronic.

  • Highlander: The Source
  • Midsommar


    "Prestige horror" is a complete facade, pull at its threads for a moment and the curtain falls apart to reveal that the black person is still the first to be murdered.
    Ari Aster sucks himself off on camera to rapturous applause once again. What people see in this grief porn shit is completely beyond me.
    His penchant for endless shots, symmetrical framing and dumbass red herring iconography is just a hypnotising technique to fool viewers into thinking they're not watching…

  • The King's Speech

    The King's Speech

    Historically, King George stuttered so much because he was trying incredibly hard not to accidentally admit he fucks dogs.
    Unforgivably ugly, as all monarchist propaganda is. Pretty interesting how the only colours in its palette are different hues of shoe polish...? 👢👅