Beach has written 5 reviews for films rated ★½ during 2021.

  • Spider-Man: No Way Home

    Spider-Man: No Way Home


    This review may contain spoilers. I can handle the truth.

    There are so many points this movie picks up and immediately drops that would make the premise legitimately frightening or effective, like characters reconciling with knowledge of the threads of fate they all seem to share. Moments where characters are shown processing creeping dread and doubt are shown and promptly discarded for a bad bubbly joke, because the writers can only deal in platitudes.
    The part where Andrew Garfield and Tobey Maguire showed up incited a rapturous response from the…

  • Woodstock 99: Peace, Love, and Rage

    Woodstock 99: Peace, Love, and Rage


    Some of the most heinous editing I've ever seen in a documentary. Was it trying to evoke the feeling of stress and aimless indignation that permeated Woodstock '99, or was the director clumsily grasping at any talking point he could find an excuse to splice topless teen clips onto? How do you fail to condemn the organisers for being hapless fuckwits spinning their wheels while the event spiralled out of control? Were they your pals, Garret Price?
    Some interview segments…

  • Space Jam

    Space Jam


    Of course you "liked this movie as a kid", children in the 90's hit trees with baseball bats for fun.

  • Loki



    Starts with an admittedly fun (if very Doctor Who) premise, and sharply devolves into hours of dry bureaucracy that leaves absolutely nothing to the imagination. Modern-day mythmakers.

  • Monster Hunter

    Monster Hunter


    A cautionary tale for what would happen to Monster Hunter if the series were passed down to Americans; the people conditioned into believing that Hershey's chocolate is chocolate. This movie was cut by a maniac and scored by a fax machine. One and a half starz for Ron Perlman moving around and doing things.