Beach has written 26 reviews for films rated ★★½ .

  • The Delinquent

    The Delinquent


    Nothing substantial to say about this movie at all; it's fierce & dynamic but the dunter of a story makes it all fall a little flat - but holy fuck I am so taken by this director's movie posters. Want them to replace my wardrobe with garish wraparound print tees adorned by them.

  • Turning Red

    Turning Red


    Having a horse in this race is a misstep because all Turning Red really is is a rare breed of premium kids movie that is earnest about being for kids - but it comes from the house of mouse, so everyone needs to get their digs in ig. Being set in Canada is enough to tell me to stop worrying about "relatability" and just enjoy the text for what it is, Whoville ass country. The main thing that struck me…

  • Dune



    A mostly enjoyable time for what is a hoity prologue to a movie that doesn't exist yet. Honestly my least favourite scenes happened to be every instance Zendaya was featured - a cloying out-of-place New York Girl accent and dogwater dream sequences that look like a TV perfume advert. Loses momentum to insane degrees towards the final hour, which is a shame, because the rest was pretty wonderful. Tired of booming bassy soundscapes in grandiose locales of Nothing, but this…

  • Another Round

    Another Round


    Carried pretty heavily by the casting choice of Mads, one of the most handsome men in the world. Puts a welcoming face to what feels like a fairly standard Danish television drama about cyclical toxic masculinity. A few things to be said about the things that it leaves open, but it's mostly just nice to imagine Kojima watching it while blushing.
    Worth it for the final scene, and for the brief window into a fantasy world where teachers don't live in poverty.

  • Godzilla vs. Kong

    Godzilla vs. Kong


    This review may contain spoilers. I can handle the truth.

    Kind of barren of personality and tries to cover for it with shoehorned sassy comedy kid sections that feel extremely by-committee, most of the jokes are outdated as fuck too (tide pod challenge jokes in 2021 REALLY?). The movie kind of had no idea how to make the human characters as fun as the monsters at all, which is kind of stark contrast to how well Kong: Skull Island managed the balance. And daman Mechagodzilla's design was so ugly wtf.…

  • A Gnome Named Gnorm

    A Gnome Named Gnorm


    Laughed so much I felt sick, then when the gnome stared at the majesty of the sea for two straight minutes I cried so much I saw God

  • Ad Astra

    Ad Astra


    It's so funny to have a movie where somebody explodes murder monkeys in an airlock spend the next hour trying to be artsy and meditative; it almost feels apologetic for having too much fun.

    I'm sure Ad Astra means something to someone, but it really felt like watching a movie that tried to be too many things and failed to achieve any of them. Absolute tonal whiplash between the action of the moon pirates and space chimps (really cool) and…

  • Borat Subsequent Moviefilm

    Borat Subsequent Moviefilm


    Khrama police, arrest my wife wa wa wee wa

  • V for Vendetta

    V for Vendetta


    With politics this hopelessly optimistic, all you can really do is hope the movie is a little bit fun, and it is. Inventive camerawork at points, but more importantly John Hurt looks like Scatman John on that big TV. Fucked up that Anonymous never adopted that dumbass wig too, complete the look cowards.

  • King Kong Escapes

    King Kong Escapes


    This review may contain spoilers. I can handle the truth.

    King Kong escapes.

  • A Bill of Divorcement

    A Bill of Divorcement


    I love coming home from the madhouse to take a healthy dose of blackpills. Great dialogue through stiff performances, nihilistic to the point of comedy. The ending hit though.

  • The Seven Faces of Bannai Tarao, Private Eye

    The Seven Faces of Bannai Tarao, Private Eye


    Guy was such a slick gunslinger he converted a woman to Christianity.