Suspiria

Suspiria

EASILY the most polarizing film since Mother!

RATING: ?????


*SPOILER FREE*

(SO FEEL FREE TO WALTZ WITH ME DOWN THIS SPIRALING ROAD WE CALL MADNESS)

* * * * *


Oh my GOD.

The two forces of nature that we so lazily call “good” and “bad” are clutching hard at the arms of my opinions, and they are LITERALLY trying to tear me in two.

Like I’m some GODDAMNED CONTORTIONIST BALLET DANCER I’M NOT ONE OF YOUR PUPPETS, GUADAGNINO

I mean Jesus H. fuck, this movie is goddamn INCREDIBLE.

It’s ALSO rather pretentious and doesn’t amount to literally ANYTHING.

The cinematography is so lush, it literally looks like it was shot in 1977. And unlike Dario Argento’s neon blood spatter, this shit is shot so colorless; so lifelessly and literally dark; SO goddamned wintery, I nearly put on my coat in the theater.

But Dakota Johnson has proved once again that she’s the most lifeless mannequin of an actress since Kristen Stewart, MAYBE even more so.

BUT THOM YORKE’S SCORE! My how it echoes Radiohead, but some of these lingering piano notes are so goddamned haunting they LITERALLY feel ripped from a 70s gothic horror flick.

BUT THE MOVIE IS MORE THAN TWO-AND-A-HALF HOURS OF YOUR LIFE THAT YOU’LL NEVER GET BACK.

And we’re not just talking two-and-a-half hours, it’s a goddamn SNAIL trail to the climax.

BUT WHAT A FUCKING CLIMAX IT IS.

Seriously, there’s a ten-minute sequence towards the end shot entirely in red, and it contains some of the most straight up gonzo-bananas horror I’ve seen in a film in YEARS. This shit dropped my jaw and sent shivers down my SPINE.

I’m talking almost matches the insanity of Argento’s masterpiece. It ALMOST makes the near three-hour bladder challenge worthwhile... 

ALMOST.

I mean there’s seven fucking chapters in this goddamn thing.

SEVEN.

oh goddammit there’s Thom Yorke’s score again.

You guys... This shit is a masterpiece.

It’s REALLY not, though I mean. There’s so goddamn much to unpack but so very little to take away.

There’s LOTS of homage to the original 1977 film (and even more homage to Berlin and Nazi Germany stuff) but this shit isn’t even a remake, more so a weird kid brother of a film.

But a kid brother who’s learned a FUCK ton from his peers over the last four decades.

I mean. I’m no CMBYN fan but... MY GOD Luca Guadagnino knows how to shoot a fucking film.

It’s almost impossible to hate this movie purely based on how much love and care went into it.

BUT NONE OF IT FUCKING MATTERS.

EVEN THOUGH IT’S SORT OF BEAUTIFUL IN A MELANHOLIC, ARTSY-FARTSY, KINDA WAY.

AND THERE ARE SO MANY STRONG FEMALES.

MOSTLY JUST TILDA SWINTON.

KINDA MAKES ME WISH SHE PULLED AN EDDIE MURPHY AND PLAYED EVERY CHARACTER IN DISGUISE.

WHAT AM I EVEN SAYING RIGHT NOW

I literally have no idea how to handle this one.
I need to let this shit marinate before I can even spout opinions.

Folks.

I don’t know what the fuck I just watched.

All I know is.

It was something, alright.