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  • Hands of Steel

    Hands of Steel

    ★★★

    No-budget Italian Terminator rip-off that pads its running time by turning into an Over The Top rip-off halfway through. Cyborg super-soldier is sent to kill an environmentalist/spiritual leader, but thinks better of it and has to flee evil John Saxon and angry trucker George Hilton. Janet Agren (Lenzi's Eaten Alive!) co-stars as the hero's love interest. Mostly forgettable, though experienced director Sergio Martino saves all the money for an impressive helicopter-vs-truck chase at the end. Sadly the most dated thing is not the acid rain and melting ice caps, but that there'd be a public outcry at the death of a prominent green campaigner.

  • Alien: Covenant

    Alien: Covenant

    ★★★½

    This review may contain spoilers. I can handle the truth.

    A:C is in part a super on the nose re-tread of the original, seemingly a reaction to the response to Prometheus, but hamstrung by the pointless mythology created in that film.

    The backstory of how an alien bioweapon which kinda looked like the alien became the actual alien (with a more complicated life cycle in the process) really didn't need telling, especially with the heavy-handed religious symbolism layered on the top.

    On the plus side there are some genuinely thrilling action sequences, and Scott's world building is as detailed and glorious as ever. But like Prometheus, the film really has no reason to exist.

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  • The Pirates! In an Adventure with Scientists!

    The Pirates! In an Adventure with Scientists!

    ★★★★½

    IT'S CALLED THE PIRATES! IN AN ADVENTURE WITH SCIENTISTS GODDAMMIT!!

  • Nocturnal Animals

    Nocturnal Animals

    ★½

    This review may contain spoilers. I can handle the truth.

    Amy Adams is an insufferable but pretty redhead LA artist who makes EDGY installations that CHALLENGE YOUR PERCEPTIONS OF BEAUTY. But once she was really mean to her ex, Jake Gyllenhaal, who is a NICE GUY and she aborted his baby without telling him. So he writes a novel and sends it to her, about a NICE GUY (Jake Gyllenhaal) who is married to a pretty redhead and has a pretty redhead daughter.

    Only the wife and daughter are kidnapped,…