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  • Orphan

    Orphan

    ★★★

    This review may contain spoilers. I can handle the truth.

    ok i have a lot of thoughts here:

    1. this works very well when it’s being completely fucking deranged
    2. it’s pretty boring when it’s nOT being completely deranged.
    3. these characters are all morons
    4. i can’t help but feel like there are ethical questions involved with making an 11-year-old girl who wants to fuck her adopted father
    5. but hopefully there were no John Landis-esque debacles with the child endangerment setpieces.
    6. FUCK THEM KIDS esther would cATCH tHESE hANDS

  • Spider-Man

    Spider-Man

    ★★★★½

    amazing and campy, kind of perfect if i’m being honest but i’m saving that 5 for the sequel (i think. haven’t seen these things in a long time.) i was surprised at how much every visual was ingrained in my mind from my countless viewings of this as a kid. raimi is just an amazing director, still gotta check out those evil dead sequels.

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  • Zombieland: Double Tap

    Zombieland: Double Tap

    ★★½

    some stuff to like here w/r/t the Zoey Deutch of it all, but god almighty this had the most boring action sequences i’ve seen in my life. anyway i always knew Al Roker was a zombie.

  • Pretty in Pink

    Pretty in Pink

    ★★★½

    harry dean stanton makes every movie better.

    side note that happens to be longer than actual review: people calling Duckie a Nice Guy aren’t technically wrong, but also seem to not understand the concept of character development. at least he’s less boring than Plain or Blande or whatever his name is.