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  • Lisa

    Lisa

    ★★★★★

    "It's cheesy, right? He stakes out beautiful women, breaks into their apartment while they're out, and decorates their place with enough candles for a Meat Loaf video. When they return home and check their messages, they hear one from him: "Hi, this is Richard. I'm in your apartment. I'm going to kill you." Then he pounces, doing exactly what he promised to do. I went to see Gary Sherman's LISA with a friend on opening weekend in May of 1990;…

  • Outrageous Fortune

    Outrageous Fortune

    ★★

    Pure Volgon poetry. At one point, Robert Prosky pulls off a Robert Prosky mask to reveal...Robert Prosky. Bette Midler gives one of her tits-first cave-lady performances and Shelley Long does Diane Chambers and I kept wondering if there's a better movie in switching them around. Nothing anybody does in this film makes sense anyway, might as well defy expectations at the outset. Hiller stupidly rips off the "serpentine" bit from his own The In-Laws, calling attention to this movie's inferiority.

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  • Star Trek Into Darkness

    Star Trek Into Darkness

    This review may contain spoilers. I can handle the truth.

    I hate this movie for all its cutesy quoting of Wrath of Khan while trying and spectacularly failing to sublet its gravitas. I hate it for casting the whitest actor on Earth as a man named Khan Noonien Singh. I hate it for the way that every shot in the back half is a three-ring circus of lens flares, cluttered sets, and CGI embellishments. I hate it for turning Spock into Sheldon from "The Big Bang Theory". I hate it…

  • Sophie's Choice

    Sophie's Choice

    ★½

    Sophie's Choice made me feel unclean, because it's the story of a Polish immigrant purging her most shameful secret, framed as the story of a Southern doofus losing his virginity to the same woman, a victim of the concentration camps. La Meryl's good, shrug; it's a very Garbo performance, if Garbo were a perfect acting machine. Much was made of William Styron's agenda in writing the source novel, i.e., to show that it wasn't just card-carrying Jews who suffered during…