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  • The 15:17 to Paris

    The 15:17 to Paris

    ★★★

    What even is this?

  • Jeepers Creepers 3

    Jeepers Creepers 3

    ★★

    There's something to be said for this being set almost entirely in daylight--the Creeper ain't hiding anymore, and this one has teenage boys galore getting penetrated with a variety of phallic weapons that literally can't be stopped. (The pain only gets worse if they put up a fight.) I don't really know why they let Victor Salva continue to make movies but then again this one took 15 years to get bankrolled and even Francis Coppola has washed his hands…

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  • Star Trek Into Darkness

    Star Trek Into Darkness

    ½

    This review may contain spoilers. I can handle the truth.

    I hate this movie for all its cutesy quoting of Wrath of Khan while trying and spectacularly failing to sublet its gravitas. I hate it for casting the whitest actor on Earth as a man named Khan Noonien Singh. I hate it for the way that every shot in the back half is a three-ring circus of lens flares, cluttered sets, and CGI embellishments. I hate it for turning Spock into Sheldon from "The Big Bang Theory". I hate it…

  • The Grand Budapest Hotel

    The Grand Budapest Hotel

    ★★

    Wes Anderson is a sharp guy, I'm sure the satirical component of those Mendl's pastry boxes didn't escape him, but still I couldn't help seeing them as an apt metaphor for the whole misbegotten enterprise: a giant pink container (like the Grand Budapest itself) housing a picture-perfect amuse-bouche free of nutrition and surrounded by a whole lot of air. Anderson is growing too dementedly solipsistic for me, and also bitter in a way that sadly never threatens to burst the…